HI I'M MICHELE BACHMANN AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THESE WONDERFUL UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. IF YOU HONOR ME BY ELECTING ME TO OFFICE I PROMISE THAT I WILL PUT AN END TO MARRIAGE
SORRY, RAN OUT OF LETTERS…AS I WAS TWEETING, I WILL PUT AN END TO MARRIAGE BETWEEN PEOPLE OF THE SAME SEX. ALSO, AS YOUR PRESIDENT, IF YOU ELECT ME I PROMISE THAT I WILL ENCOURAGE PORNOGRAPHY
SORRY, RAN OUT OF LETTERS AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, I WILL ENCOURAGE PORNOGRAPHY-BUSTING AGENCIES TO PUT THOSE SLIMY GOOD-FOR-NOTHINGS OUT OF BUSINESS. SO PLEASE VOTE FOR ME MICHELE BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT. I PROMISE I WILL DO NOTHING
SORRY AGAIN…I PROMISE I WILL DO NOTHING BUT GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY. THANK YOU. PLEASE VOTE FOR ME FOR PRESIDENT. OH, I HAVE SOME LETTERS LEFT. MAYBE I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT MY PLAN TO KILL DEMOCRATS'
CHANCES IN THE 2012 ELECTIONS.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Rupert Murdock Taps The Phones
(Phone dials, rings)
Official: Mr. President, we may have to attack the compound.
President: But that might cause an international incident. I’ll have to look at all the alternatives.
Rupert: Alternatives, schmalternatives!
Rupert Murdoch, tapping into phones to solve the world’s problems!
Rupert: Bomb the ‘ell out of ‘em, I say!
No problem is too small for the Murdoch touch!
Son: Daddy, I got a B plus on my test!
Dad: That’s great, Bobby!
Rupert: Shoulda been an A!
Woman: I don’t know whether to go with the red dress or the yellow dress.
Rupert: Get the red! Yellow makes ya look fat!
Rupert Murdoch cuts through the crap to give you the answers you need!
Man: Doctor, I’m feeling nauseous and my eyes have turned yellow.
Doctor: Nothing to worry about, Mr. Plimpton. Come in to the office tomorrow and we’ll have a look.
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re dyin’ mate!
Man: Doctor! Am I dying??
Doctor: Of course you aren’t, Mr. Plimpton! Who is this?
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re a quack! Bad doctor alert! Quack! Quack!
Rupert Murdock – solving problems on a phone near you – whether you like it or not!
Man: Yeah, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza.
Rupert: No, you want sausage.
click here to listen
Official: Mr. President, we may have to attack the compound.
President: But that might cause an international incident. I’ll have to look at all the alternatives.
Rupert: Alternatives, schmalternatives!
Rupert Murdoch, tapping into phones to solve the world’s problems!
Rupert: Bomb the ‘ell out of ‘em, I say!
No problem is too small for the Murdoch touch!
Son: Daddy, I got a B plus on my test!
Dad: That’s great, Bobby!
Rupert: Shoulda been an A!
Woman: I don’t know whether to go with the red dress or the yellow dress.
Rupert: Get the red! Yellow makes ya look fat!
Rupert Murdoch cuts through the crap to give you the answers you need!
Man: Doctor, I’m feeling nauseous and my eyes have turned yellow.
Doctor: Nothing to worry about, Mr. Plimpton. Come in to the office tomorrow and we’ll have a look.
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re dyin’ mate!
Man: Doctor! Am I dying??
Doctor: Of course you aren’t, Mr. Plimpton! Who is this?
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re a quack! Bad doctor alert! Quack! Quack!
Rupert Murdock – solving problems on a phone near you – whether you like it or not!
Man: Yeah, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza.
Rupert: No, you want sausage.
click here to listen
Father Hardy and the Hooker
Time once more to visit with the blessedly-religious Father Hardy as he talks with parishoners after mass.
Father Hardy: Ahh, Patrick! How are ya?
Patrick: Father, you’ll be happy ta know I took your advice and spent me money wisely.
Father Hardy: Great! Did you feed the hungry?
Patrick: No, Father.
Father Hardy: Did you clothe the poor?
Patrick: No, Father. I don’t remember you sayin those tings.
Father Hardy: Why, Patrick, I say those things every Sunday in my sermon!
Patrick: Beggin yer pardon, Father, but I’m usually asleep then.
Father Hardy: Allright then, here’s a refresher: Patrick, if you do those things, you’ll secure yourself a place in heaven!
Patrick: But that’s why I give money to you, Father.
Father Hardy: Oh, well, we wouldn’t want to see that stop, now would we?
Patrick: No, Father. I’m talkin about what you said at the mixer last week, when we were standin’ next to the punch bowl. Did you know there was whiskey in that punch?
Father Hardy: Really? By the way, me sayin’ that Clancy and Shamus were gay, that was all just good fun.
Patrick: Of course! Still, it’s probably true. Anyways, I was talkin about when you said that a hooker is a woman you pay 400 dollars to so’s she’ll do something for ya that no other woman will do.
Father Hardy: Well, Patrick, I’d have to say that was the whiskey talkin’.
Patrick: But Father, I took your advice! I paid a hooker 400 dollars to come to my house last Tuesday.
Father Hardy: Really, Patrick, I don’t want to hear this outside confession.
Patrick: She sat next to me on the couch whilst I was watching football, and she truly did something no other woman has ever done for me whilst I was watching football!
Father Hardy: And what was that, Patrick?
Patrick: She kept her mouth shut!
Be with us next time when Father Hardy texts a picture from the parish cookout.
(click)
Father Hardy: Now there’s a picture of a fine weiner!
click here to listen
Father Hardy: Ahh, Patrick! How are ya?
Patrick: Father, you’ll be happy ta know I took your advice and spent me money wisely.
Father Hardy: Great! Did you feed the hungry?
Patrick: No, Father.
Father Hardy: Did you clothe the poor?
Patrick: No, Father. I don’t remember you sayin those tings.
Father Hardy: Why, Patrick, I say those things every Sunday in my sermon!
Patrick: Beggin yer pardon, Father, but I’m usually asleep then.
Father Hardy: Allright then, here’s a refresher: Patrick, if you do those things, you’ll secure yourself a place in heaven!
Patrick: But that’s why I give money to you, Father.
Father Hardy: Oh, well, we wouldn’t want to see that stop, now would we?
Patrick: No, Father. I’m talkin about what you said at the mixer last week, when we were standin’ next to the punch bowl. Did you know there was whiskey in that punch?
Father Hardy: Really? By the way, me sayin’ that Clancy and Shamus were gay, that was all just good fun.
Patrick: Of course! Still, it’s probably true. Anyways, I was talkin about when you said that a hooker is a woman you pay 400 dollars to so’s she’ll do something for ya that no other woman will do.
Father Hardy: Well, Patrick, I’d have to say that was the whiskey talkin’.
Patrick: But Father, I took your advice! I paid a hooker 400 dollars to come to my house last Tuesday.
Father Hardy: Really, Patrick, I don’t want to hear this outside confession.
Patrick: She sat next to me on the couch whilst I was watching football, and she truly did something no other woman has ever done for me whilst I was watching football!
Father Hardy: And what was that, Patrick?
Patrick: She kept her mouth shut!
Be with us next time when Father Hardy texts a picture from the parish cookout.
(click)
Father Hardy: Now there’s a picture of a fine weiner!
click here to listen
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