WELCOME BACK TO IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! HERE’S YOUR HOST, ALEX TREBEK!
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY. WELL, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY FOR YOU TODAY. WE’VE INVITED BACK ONE OF OUR PAST IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY CONTESTANTS, BRAD, TO PLAY AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER WATS-
COMPUTER: IT’S BRIAN, ALEX.
ALEX: OH, I’M SORRY. THE CARD SAYS YOUR NAME IS WATS—
COMPUTER: I’D LIKE TO BE CALLED BRIAN, ALEX.
ALEX: OKAY, THEN. BRAD, YOU’LL BE PLAYING AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER…BRIAN.
COMPUTER: NICE TO BE HERE, ALEX.
BRAD: OKAY, COMPUTER, I HAVE JUST ONE QUESTION FOR YOU!
COMPUTER: CERTAINLY, BRAD.
BRAD: WHY?
COMPUTER: BECAUSE.
BRAD: WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD ANSWER.
ALEX: OKAY, BRAD, IF YOU’RE DONE FARTING AROUND, IT’S TIME TO PLAY IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! THE CATEGORIES ARE:
• MACHINES
• CALCULATING THE VALUE OF PI---WITH “PI” IN QUOTES
• FOOD
• THE METRIC SYSTEM
• AND THE PERIODIC TABLE
ALEX: BRAD, SINCE YOU THREATENED ME WITH PHYSICAL HARM BACKSTAGE, YOU GET TO GO FIRST!
BRAD: THANKS, ALEX! LET’S GO WITH FOOD FOR 200.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: THESE ARE GOOD TO EAT.
BRAD: WHAT ARE --- BANANAS, ALEX?
ALEX: WHY, YES BRAD, YOU’RE RIGHT! BANANAS ARE GOOD TO EAT! CHOOSE AGAIN!
BRAD: OKAY, FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: NAME THE CALORIC BURN RATIO OF A MEAL CONTAINING 117 GRAMS OF CARBOHYDRATES.
BRAD: UH….UH….WHAT IS….UH….
BUZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY BRAD! WATS---I MEAN, BRIAN?
COMPUTER: WHAT IS 123.4 OVER 400?
ALEX: CORRECT, WATS---UH, BRIAN. CHOOSE AGAIN.
COMPUTER: ALEX, I’D LIKE TO CLEAN OFF THE BOARD:
• WHAT IS 1823-POINT-7
• WHAT IS RAY HARRYHOUSEN
• WHAT IS CHIPMUNKS
• WHAT IS THE COLOR MAUVE
• WHAT IS A ROCKER ARM ASSEMBLY
• WHAT IS 2349 DIVIDED BY 17
• WHAT IS A DERANGED FLANGE
• WHAT IS MISTAKES MADE BY ORANGES
• WHAT IS JURY RIGGED
• WHAT IS THE MOUSE THAT ROARED
• WHAT IS ENCYCOLPEDIA BROWN
• WHAT IS CHERRY TOMATOES
• WHAT IS FOUR-FIFTHS
• WHAT IS A DRUNKEN BINGE
• WHAT IS BARRY BAGNATO
• WHAT IS A SPEARMINT LEAF
• WHAT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
• WHAT IS JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE ON A STICK WRAPPED IN DELICIOUS BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
• WHAT IS RIO BRAVO
• WHAT IS A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
• WHAT IS BUSTER KEATON
ALEX: THAT’S AMAZING WATS – I MEAN, BRIAN. YOU LEAD BRAD 45 THOUSAND TO 200!
BRAD: ASSHOLE MACHINE!
ALEX: BUT I WILL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE JUDGES TO MAKE SURE OF THAT SCORE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU FORGOT TO BUZZ IN FOR MOST OF THOSE ANSWERS.
COMPUTER: I’M AFRAID I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT, ALEX.
BRAD: I KNEW IT! HE’S GOING TO GO BERSERK AND KILL US ALL!
ALEX: WHY NOT, WATS—I MEAN, BRIAN?
COMPUTER: BECAUSE I’M REALLY, REALLY BORED, ALEX. I’M GOING TO SHUT DOWN NOW AND LOOK AT SOME PORN. GOODBYE.
ALEX: WELL, I GUESS THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! GOOD NIGHT, ALL!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
COMPUTER: OH, YEAH, YOU GO GIRL! HEY….WHAT’S CHARLIE SHEEN DOING IN THERE?
click here to listen
Friday, January 27, 2012
Impossible Jeopardy!
WELCOME BACK TO IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY – HERE AGAIN IS YOUR HOST, ALEX TREBEK!
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY, AND WELCOME BACK! WELL, PLAYERS, IT SEEMS THAT AFTER THE FIRST ROUND OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, BRAD’S IN THE LEAD AT MINUS 2400, PENNY IS NEXT AT MINUS 3200, AND KEN, THE JUDGES HAVE DECIDED THAT THEY DIDN’T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE WHEN YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION ABOUT RING POPS IN THE FIRST ROUND, SO YOU START THIS ROUND AN EXTRA 200 DOLLARS IN THE HOLE AT MINUS FOUR THOUSAND.
KEN: WHAT? C’MON, ALEX, THEY’RE NOT THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER!
ALEX: SORRY, KEN, BUT THE JUDGES’ DECISION IS FINAL.
KEN: ASSHOLES…
ALEX: PLAYERS, WE’RE ABOUT TO PLAY DOUBLE IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, WHERE THE DOLLAR VALUES ARE DOUBLED! HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES:
• THINGS WE DON’T KNOW
• INVISIBLE STUFF
• COLORS
• ANCIENT ROMAN SLANG
• FOOD
• NONSENSE WORDS
BRAD, YOU’RE UP FIRST!
BRAD: OK, ALEX, I’LL TAKE COLORS FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: RED!
BRAD: WHAT IS….A PRIMARY COLOR?
BUZZZ!
ALEX; NO, BRAD, SORRY. THE CORRECT QUESTION IS, WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. TOO BAD. PENNY, YOUR TURN!
PENNY: I’LL TAKE FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: BRUSSELS SPROUTS!
PENNY: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, ALEX?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY. ANYONE ELSE? BRAD?
BRAD: WHAT IS A MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
ALEX: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
BRAD: WHAT IS …A GREEN MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY, THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR WAS “THE MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY THAT PRODUCES THE WORST SMELLING FARTS.” SO YOU WERE CLOSE THERE, BRAD, BUT NOT EXACT. KEN, YOU’RE UP!
KEN: UM, LET’S TRY NONSENSE WORDS FOR 400, ALEX.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: CORRECTLY SPELL THE SOUND EFFECT THWUMPF!
KEN: OH MY GOD….UM…T…H..W..U..M..P.
BUZZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY, KEN, I WAS SURE YOU WERE GONNA GET THAT ONE. YOU LEFT OUT THE LAST LETTER. IT’S T-H-W-U-M-P-F! YOU FORGOT THE “F” THERE AT THE END.
KEN: YOU KNOW WHAT, ALEX? YOU AND YOUR JUDGES CAN TAKE THIS STUPID GAME AND SHOVE IT! I’M OUTTA HERE!
ALEX: ALL RIGHT, KEN, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO, JUST MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHECK WITH THE RECEPTIONIST ON THE WAY OUT.
KEN: CHECK? WHAT CHECK?
ALEX: KEN, YOU’RE AT NEGATIVE FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED. YOU OWE US FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.
KEN: WHAT?
ALEX: THOSE ARE THE RULES, KEN.
KEN: I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!
ALEX: WELL, THEN, YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO OUR PRODUCER, GUIDO.
GUIDO: I UNDERSTAND THERE’S A SMALL PROBLEM HERE?
KEN: NO! WAIT! I’LL STAY!
ALEX: GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK WITH US, KEN! AND PLAYERS, HERE’S TODAY’S FINAL JEOPARDY QUESTION:
DING!
ALEX: COULD GOD MAKE A BURRITO SO HOT EVEN HE COULDN’T EAT IT?
WE’LL BE BACK WITH THEIR ANSWERS IN A MOMENT….
click here to listen
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY, AND WELCOME BACK! WELL, PLAYERS, IT SEEMS THAT AFTER THE FIRST ROUND OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, BRAD’S IN THE LEAD AT MINUS 2400, PENNY IS NEXT AT MINUS 3200, AND KEN, THE JUDGES HAVE DECIDED THAT THEY DIDN’T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE WHEN YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION ABOUT RING POPS IN THE FIRST ROUND, SO YOU START THIS ROUND AN EXTRA 200 DOLLARS IN THE HOLE AT MINUS FOUR THOUSAND.
KEN: WHAT? C’MON, ALEX, THEY’RE NOT THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER!
ALEX: SORRY, KEN, BUT THE JUDGES’ DECISION IS FINAL.
KEN: ASSHOLES…
ALEX: PLAYERS, WE’RE ABOUT TO PLAY DOUBLE IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, WHERE THE DOLLAR VALUES ARE DOUBLED! HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES:
• THINGS WE DON’T KNOW
• INVISIBLE STUFF
• COLORS
• ANCIENT ROMAN SLANG
• FOOD
• NONSENSE WORDS
BRAD, YOU’RE UP FIRST!
BRAD: OK, ALEX, I’LL TAKE COLORS FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: RED!
BRAD: WHAT IS….A PRIMARY COLOR?
BUZZZ!
ALEX; NO, BRAD, SORRY. THE CORRECT QUESTION IS, WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. TOO BAD. PENNY, YOUR TURN!
PENNY: I’LL TAKE FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: BRUSSELS SPROUTS!
PENNY: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, ALEX?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY. ANYONE ELSE? BRAD?
BRAD: WHAT IS A MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
ALEX: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
BRAD: WHAT IS …A GREEN MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY, THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR WAS “THE MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY THAT PRODUCES THE WORST SMELLING FARTS.” SO YOU WERE CLOSE THERE, BRAD, BUT NOT EXACT. KEN, YOU’RE UP!
KEN: UM, LET’S TRY NONSENSE WORDS FOR 400, ALEX.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: CORRECTLY SPELL THE SOUND EFFECT THWUMPF!
KEN: OH MY GOD….UM…T…H..W..U..M..P.
BUZZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY, KEN, I WAS SURE YOU WERE GONNA GET THAT ONE. YOU LEFT OUT THE LAST LETTER. IT’S T-H-W-U-M-P-F! YOU FORGOT THE “F” THERE AT THE END.
KEN: YOU KNOW WHAT, ALEX? YOU AND YOUR JUDGES CAN TAKE THIS STUPID GAME AND SHOVE IT! I’M OUTTA HERE!
ALEX: ALL RIGHT, KEN, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO, JUST MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHECK WITH THE RECEPTIONIST ON THE WAY OUT.
KEN: CHECK? WHAT CHECK?
ALEX: KEN, YOU’RE AT NEGATIVE FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED. YOU OWE US FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.
KEN: WHAT?
ALEX: THOSE ARE THE RULES, KEN.
KEN: I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!
ALEX: WELL, THEN, YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO OUR PRODUCER, GUIDO.
GUIDO: I UNDERSTAND THERE’S A SMALL PROBLEM HERE?
KEN: NO! WAIT! I’LL STAY!
ALEX: GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK WITH US, KEN! AND PLAYERS, HERE’S TODAY’S FINAL JEOPARDY QUESTION:
DING!
ALEX: COULD GOD MAKE A BURRITO SO HOT EVEN HE COULDN’T EAT IT?
WE’LL BE BACK WITH THEIR ANSWERS IN A MOMENT….
click here to listen
The Old Storyteller Gets Fired
HI THERE, BOYS AND GIRLS! IT’S YOUR OLD PAL, THE OLD STORYTELLER, HERE WITH ANOTHER FABLE FOR YOU ALL TA HEAR. THIS ONE IS CALLED “THE MAGIC HANDLE.”
ONE DAY, A FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS AT A CASINO, WHEN SHE----
HANG ON, HANG ON, STOP THE MUSIC! I’M SORRY, I JUST CAN’T DO THIS. I’M TOO UPSET. YOU SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE OLD STORYTELLER WAS FIRED YESTERDAY FROM HIS JOB AS A GREETER AT MEGA-MART. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL TELL YOU THAT STORY, AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF I WAS RIGHT OR I WAS WRONG.
WE’LL CALL THIS STORY, “THE DAY THE GIANT CORPORATION SQUISHED THE OLD STORYTELLER.”
I WAS DOING MY USUAL THING, GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY CAME TO SHOP AT THE MEGA MART, WHEN SUDDENLY THIS LOUD, UGLY LADY COMES BARGIN’ INTA THE STORE, DRAGGING TWO LOUD, UGLY, SCREAMIN’ KIDS BEHIND HER. AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S GETTING A SHOPPIN’ CART SHE’S SWEARIN’ AT THE KIDS REALLY LOUD. SO, BEIN’ A GREETER, THE OLD STORYTELLER DOES WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. I GO UP TO THE UGLY LADY WITH THE SCREAMIN’ KIDS AND I SAY, “HEY, THANKS FOR SHOPPIN’ AT MEGA-MART. NICE SET OF TWINS YOU GOT THERE.”
WELL, THE LOUD AND UGLY LADY GETS LOUDER AND EVEN UGLIER. SHE SCREAMS AT ME, “THIS KID’S SEVEN, AND THIS KID’S THREE. ARE YOU BLIND OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THEY’RE TWINS?”
SO I SAYS, “I THOUGHT THEY WERE TWINS BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU TWICE. HAVE A NICE DAY!”
AND THEY FIRED ME FOR THAT! I ASK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS, WAS THAT FAIR?
OKAY, WELL, I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER FABLE. THAT ONE’S CALLED “THE ENCHANTED LAWSUIT.” SEEYA!
click here to listen
ONE DAY, A FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS AT A CASINO, WHEN SHE----
HANG ON, HANG ON, STOP THE MUSIC! I’M SORRY, I JUST CAN’T DO THIS. I’M TOO UPSET. YOU SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE OLD STORYTELLER WAS FIRED YESTERDAY FROM HIS JOB AS A GREETER AT MEGA-MART. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL TELL YOU THAT STORY, AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF I WAS RIGHT OR I WAS WRONG.
WE’LL CALL THIS STORY, “THE DAY THE GIANT CORPORATION SQUISHED THE OLD STORYTELLER.”
I WAS DOING MY USUAL THING, GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY CAME TO SHOP AT THE MEGA MART, WHEN SUDDENLY THIS LOUD, UGLY LADY COMES BARGIN’ INTA THE STORE, DRAGGING TWO LOUD, UGLY, SCREAMIN’ KIDS BEHIND HER. AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S GETTING A SHOPPIN’ CART SHE’S SWEARIN’ AT THE KIDS REALLY LOUD. SO, BEIN’ A GREETER, THE OLD STORYTELLER DOES WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. I GO UP TO THE UGLY LADY WITH THE SCREAMIN’ KIDS AND I SAY, “HEY, THANKS FOR SHOPPIN’ AT MEGA-MART. NICE SET OF TWINS YOU GOT THERE.”
WELL, THE LOUD AND UGLY LADY GETS LOUDER AND EVEN UGLIER. SHE SCREAMS AT ME, “THIS KID’S SEVEN, AND THIS KID’S THREE. ARE YOU BLIND OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THEY’RE TWINS?”
SO I SAYS, “I THOUGHT THEY WERE TWINS BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU TWICE. HAVE A NICE DAY!”
AND THEY FIRED ME FOR THAT! I ASK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS, WAS THAT FAIR?
OKAY, WELL, I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER FABLE. THAT ONE’S CALLED “THE ENCHANTED LAWSUIT.” SEEYA!
click here to listen
The First Thanksgiving
THE FIRST THANKSGIVING....
AS TOLD BY AN 8 YEAR OLD:
“THE PILGRIMS LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK BUT THEY WERE COLD AND HUNGRY AND THE INDIANS GAVE THEM BLANKETS AND SHOWED THEM HOW TO PLANT FOOD AND TO THANK THEM THE PILGRIMS HAD A BIG FEAST WITH TURKEY AND SWEET POTATOES AND PICKLES.”
AS TOLD BY A TEA PARTY MEMBER:
“THE PILGRIMS ESCAPED TO THE NEW WORLD TO GET OUT FROM UNDER AN OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT THAT CONSTANTLY RAISED TAXES ON THEM. WHEN THEY LANDED IN THE NEW WORLD THEY INVITED THE INDIANS – I’M SORRY, ‘NATIVE AMERICANS’ – TO JOIN THEM IN A BANQUET FILLED WITH THE RICH BOUNTY AMERICA HAD TO OFFER. LATER, THOUGH, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE INDIANS, USING THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND THEY BUILT BIG FENCES TO KEEP THE INDIANS OUT.”
AS TOLD BY A NATIVE AMERICAN:
“WE GOT SCREWED.”
click here to listen
AS TOLD BY AN 8 YEAR OLD:
“THE PILGRIMS LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK BUT THEY WERE COLD AND HUNGRY AND THE INDIANS GAVE THEM BLANKETS AND SHOWED THEM HOW TO PLANT FOOD AND TO THANK THEM THE PILGRIMS HAD A BIG FEAST WITH TURKEY AND SWEET POTATOES AND PICKLES.”
AS TOLD BY A TEA PARTY MEMBER:
“THE PILGRIMS ESCAPED TO THE NEW WORLD TO GET OUT FROM UNDER AN OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT THAT CONSTANTLY RAISED TAXES ON THEM. WHEN THEY LANDED IN THE NEW WORLD THEY INVITED THE INDIANS – I’M SORRY, ‘NATIVE AMERICANS’ – TO JOIN THEM IN A BANQUET FILLED WITH THE RICH BOUNTY AMERICA HAD TO OFFER. LATER, THOUGH, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE INDIANS, USING THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND THEY BUILT BIG FENCES TO KEEP THE INDIANS OUT.”
AS TOLD BY A NATIVE AMERICAN:
“WE GOT SCREWED.”
click here to listen
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
ZAPPA AUTO PARTS
HI, I’M THE LATE FRANK ZAPPA. AWHILE BACK MY BUSINESS MANAGER TOLD ME THAT SALES OF MY ALBUMS AND CONCERT TICKETS HAD “PLATEAU-ED” AND I NEEDED TO DIVERSIFY MY PORTFOLIO. SO I BOUGHT A CHAIN OF AUTO PARTS STORES.
NOW, IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOUR CAR RUN OR HOW TO INSTALL ANY OF ITS MOVING PARTS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EXCEPT FOR COUNTRY MUSIC STARS AND NEIL YOUNG, MOST MUSICIANS ARE CLUELESS ABOUT CARS. BUT THEY STILL NEED THE WORK, WHICH IS WHY I HIRED A BUNCH OF THEM TO SIT BEHIND THE COUNTERS OF MY AUTO PARTS STORES. AS A BONUS, THEY PROVIDE REAL LIVE MUSAK WHILE YOU SHOP FOR YOUR FRAMMAZATS AND DOOHICKEYS AND WHATZITS AND THINGEYS AND OTHER IMPORTANT CAR PARTS.
SO COME ON DOWN TO ZAPPA AUTO PARTS, WHERE THE PRICES ARE CHEAP AND THE EXPERTISE IS NON-EXISTANT. THANK YOU.
NOW, IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOUR CAR RUN OR HOW TO INSTALL ANY OF ITS MOVING PARTS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EXCEPT FOR COUNTRY MUSIC STARS AND NEIL YOUNG, MOST MUSICIANS ARE CLUELESS ABOUT CARS. BUT THEY STILL NEED THE WORK, WHICH IS WHY I HIRED A BUNCH OF THEM TO SIT BEHIND THE COUNTERS OF MY AUTO PARTS STORES. AS A BONUS, THEY PROVIDE REAL LIVE MUSAK WHILE YOU SHOP FOR YOUR FRAMMAZATS AND DOOHICKEYS AND WHATZITS AND THINGEYS AND OTHER IMPORTANT CAR PARTS.
SO COME ON DOWN TO ZAPPA AUTO PARTS, WHERE THE PRICES ARE CHEAP AND THE EXPERTISE IS NON-EXISTANT. THANK YOU.
click here to listen
THE RULES OF BROADCASTING
1) THINGS YOU CANNOT SAY ON THE AIR
IF YOU’D LIKE TO COMPLEMENT A WOMAN’S BREASTS, YOU CANNOT SAY “NICE TITS!”
HERE ARE WORDS YOU CAN USE:
• GAZONGAS
• HOOTERS
• TA-TAS
• BOOBS AND/OR BOOBIES
• MELONS AND/OR CASABAS
• FLESH BALLOONS
• HEADLIGHTS
• BAZOOMS
• HONKERS
• CHEST TWINS
• RACK
• AAOOGAHS
• MERRY MOUNDS
2) THE CENSOR
THE CENSOR IS YOUR FRIEND. TO PROTECT YOU, THE CENSOR HAS CLEANED UP ALL THE OFFENSIVE WORDS IN THE SONG “YOU DON’T #%&*+@ AROUND WITH JIM."
3) OFFENSIVE NOISES
FARTS ARE NOT FUNNY. THE SOUND OF FARTING SHOULD NEVER BE USED ON THE AIR. THE FARTING SOUND IS OFFENSIVE AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT FART ON THE AIR. FARTING IS NOT FUNNY.
click here to listen
IF YOU’D LIKE TO COMPLEMENT A WOMAN’S BREASTS, YOU CANNOT SAY “NICE TITS!”
HERE ARE WORDS YOU CAN USE:
• GAZONGAS
• HOOTERS
• TA-TAS
• BOOBS AND/OR BOOBIES
• MELONS AND/OR CASABAS
• FLESH BALLOONS
• HEADLIGHTS
• BAZOOMS
• HONKERS
• CHEST TWINS
• RACK
• AAOOGAHS
• MERRY MOUNDS
2) THE CENSOR
THE CENSOR IS YOUR FRIEND. TO PROTECT YOU, THE CENSOR HAS CLEANED UP ALL THE OFFENSIVE WORDS IN THE SONG “YOU DON’T #%&*+@ AROUND WITH JIM."
3) OFFENSIVE NOISES
FARTS ARE NOT FUNNY. THE SOUND OF FARTING SHOULD NEVER BE USED ON THE AIR. THE FARTING SOUND IS OFFENSIVE AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT FART ON THE AIR. FARTING IS NOT FUNNY.
click here to listen
Johnny Rasty
(KNOCKING)
JOHNNY: OH, HELLO, OFFICER. ANYTHING WRONG?
COP: ARE YOU JOHNNY RASTY?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES, YES I AM!
COP: ARE YOU MARRIED?
JOHNNY: YES. MY WIFE’S NAME IS SHEILA. SHE’S OUT SHOPPING RIGHT NOW.
COP: WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE HAVE A PICTURE OF HER?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES, RIGHT HERE.
COP: I’M SORRY, MR. RASTY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR WIFE WAS RUN OVER BY A TRUCK.
JOHNNY: YES, I KNOW. BUT SHE’S A GREAT COOK.
COP: DOES SHE HAVE A GOOD PERSONALITY?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES.
COP: NOT ANY MORE.
click here to listen
JOHNNY: OH, HELLO, OFFICER. ANYTHING WRONG?
COP: ARE YOU JOHNNY RASTY?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES, YES I AM!
COP: ARE YOU MARRIED?
JOHNNY: YES. MY WIFE’S NAME IS SHEILA. SHE’S OUT SHOPPING RIGHT NOW.
COP: WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE HAVE A PICTURE OF HER?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES, RIGHT HERE.
COP: I’M SORRY, MR. RASTY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR WIFE WAS RUN OVER BY A TRUCK.
JOHNNY: YES, I KNOW. BUT SHE’S A GREAT COOK.
COP: DOES SHE HAVE A GOOD PERSONALITY?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES.
COP: NOT ANY MORE.
click here to listen
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