HI, I’M THE LATE FRANK ZAPPA. AWHILE BACK MY BUSINESS MANAGER TOLD ME THAT SALES OF MY ALBUMS AND CONCERT TICKETS HAD “PLATEAU-ED” AND I NEEDED TO DIVERSIFY MY PORTFOLIO. SO I BOUGHT A CHAIN OF AUTO PARTS STORES. NOW, IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOUR CAR RUN OR HOW TO INSTALL ANY OF ITS MOVING PARTS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EXCEPT FOR COUNTRY MUSIC STARS AND NEIL YOUNG, MOST MUSICIANS ARE CLUELESS ABOUT CARS. BUT THEY STILL NEED THE WORK, WHICH IS WHY I HIRED A BUNCH OF THEM TO SIT BEHIND THE COUNTERS OF MY AUTO PARTS STORES. AS A BONUS, THEY PROVIDE REAL LIVE MUSAK WHILE YOU SHOP FOR YOUR FRAMMAZATS AND DOOHICKEYS AND WHATZITS AND THINGEYS AND OTHER IMPORTANT CAR PARTS. SO COME ON DOWN TO ZAPPA AUTO PARTS, WHERE THE PRICES ARE CHEAP AND THE EXPERTISE IS NON-EXISTANT. THANK YOU.
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1
) THINGS YOU CANNOT SAY ON THE AIR
IF YOU’D LIKE TO COMPLEMENT A WOMAN’S BREASTS, YOU CANNOT SAY “NICE TITS!”
HERE ARE WORDS YOU CAN USE:
• GAZONGAS
• HOOTERS
• TA-TAS
• BOOBS AND/OR BOOBIES
• MELONS AND/OR CASABAS
• FLESH BALLOONS
• HEADLIGHTS
• BAZOOMS
• HONKERS
• CHEST TWINS
• RACK
• AAOOGAHS
• MERRY MOUNDS
2) THE CENSOR
THE CENSOR IS YOUR FRIEND. TO PROTECT YOU, THE CENSOR HAS CLEANED UP ALL THE OFFENSIVE WORDS IN THE SONG “YOU DON’T #%&*+@ AROUND WITH JIM."
3) OFFENSIVE NOISES
FARTS ARE NOT FUNNY. THE SOUND OF FARTING SHOULD NEVER BE USED ON THE AIR. THE FARTING SOUND IS OFFENSIVE AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT FART ON THE AIR. FARTING IS NOT FUNNY.
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(KNOCKING)
JOHNNY: OH, HELLO, OFFICER. ANYTHING WRONG?
COP: ARE YOU JOHNNY RASTY?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES, YES I AM!
COP: ARE YOU MARRIED?
JOHNNY: YES. MY WIFE’S NAME IS SHEILA. SHE’S OUT SHOPPING RIGHT NOW.
COP: WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE HAVE A PICTURE OF HER?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES, RIGHT HERE.
COP: I’M SORRY, MR. RASTY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR WIFE WAS RUN OVER BY A TRUCK.
JOHNNY: YES, I KNOW. BUT SHE’S A GREAT COOK.
COP: DOES SHE HAVE A GOOD PERSONALITY?
JOHNNY: WHY, YES.
COP: NOT ANY MORE. click here to listen
