Time once more for the seriously spiritual adventures of Father Hardy. Today Father Hardy has been summoned to the Guinness brewing plant to deliver the last rites. Let's find out why, shall we?
Manager: It's down the hall here, Father. We laid Colin out on the top of a table in the break room.
Father Hardy: How did he pass on, my son?
Manager: Drowned in a vat of stout whilst it was cooking, Father.
Father Hardy: It's every Irishman's dream, drowning in Guinness. Ah yes, look at the smile on the poor boy's face.
Manager: He fell in whilst he was adding the malt.
Father Hardy: So it was a quick death, then.
Manager: Well, yes, I guess you could say it was quick. He only got out to pee three times.
Join us next time when Father Hardy meets Rupert Murdoch!
Father Hardy: Say three Hail Marys for your penance, son.
Rupert: No, better make that four!
click here to listen
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
MARTHA STEWART’S NEW YEAR’S APP
MARTHA: HI, I’M MARTHA STEWART. AS WE ALL KNOW, KEEPING OUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT. THAT’S WHY WE HERE AT MARTHA STEWART LIVING DEVELOPED THIS HANDY APP FOR YOUR SMARTPHONE THAT WILL HELP YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION. WITH ME TODAY IS HEATHER, ONE OF OUR FOOD BLOGGERS. HEATHER, WHAT IS YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?
HEATHER: WELL, MARTHA, I’D LIKE TO EAT LESS SUGAR.
MARTHA: AS YOU CAN SEE, WE’VE PROGRAMMED HEATHER’S RESOLUTION INTO HER “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” -- WHICH YOU CAN DOWNLOAD FROM MY WEBSITE. NOW, HEATHER, KEEP YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET WHILE YOU TAKE A SIP OF THIS SODA.
HEATHER: OKAY.
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT ZAPS THROUGH HEATHER AS SHE SIPS)
HEATHER: AHHH! OWWW! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT STOPS)
MARTHA: EVERY TIME HEATHER EATS OR DRINKS ANYTHING WITH SUGAR, THE “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” ON HER SMARTPHONE WILL ALERT HER TO THAT FACT.
HEATHER: ALERT ME? IT NEARLY KILLED ME!
MARTHA: HERE, HEATHER, HAVE A SIP OF TEA.
HEATHER: THANK YOU MARTHA.
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)
HEATHER: AHHH!!! OWWW!!! YOW!!!
MARTHA: THE APP WILL ALSO TEACH YOU TO ASK YOUR HOSTESS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SHE’S ADDED SUGAR TO YOUR FOOD OR DRINK.
HEATHER: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?
MARTHA: OF COURSE NOT, HEATHER. HAVE A NICE APPLE.
HEATHER: WELL…OKAY…I GUESS AN APPLE CAN’T HUR----
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)
HEATHER: YOW! OWWW!!!!
MARTHA: DID YOU KNOW APPLES ARE 20 PERCENT SUGAR? THE “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” WILL ALSO TEACH YOU TO RESEARCH YOUR FOOD CAREFULLY BEFORE EATING.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
HEATHER: EXCUSE ME, MARTHA – LET ME GET THAT…. HELLO? OH, HI TOM…..
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)
HEATHER: YOW! OW! OH NOOOO!
MARTHA: LOOKS LIKE HEATHER IS GETTING A CALL FROM TOM, HER SWEETIE. WHICH REMINDS ME: CHECK BACK NEXT MONTH FOR DETAILS ON MY “MARTHA STEWART CHEAT DETECTOR VALENTINE’S DAY APP.” JUST LIKE OUR NEW YEAR’S APP, IT’S A GOOD THING.
click here to listen
HEATHER: WELL, MARTHA, I’D LIKE TO EAT LESS SUGAR.
MARTHA: AS YOU CAN SEE, WE’VE PROGRAMMED HEATHER’S RESOLUTION INTO HER “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” -- WHICH YOU CAN DOWNLOAD FROM MY WEBSITE. NOW, HEATHER, KEEP YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET WHILE YOU TAKE A SIP OF THIS SODA.
HEATHER: OKAY.
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT ZAPS THROUGH HEATHER AS SHE SIPS)
HEATHER: AHHH! OWWW! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT STOPS)
MARTHA: EVERY TIME HEATHER EATS OR DRINKS ANYTHING WITH SUGAR, THE “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” ON HER SMARTPHONE WILL ALERT HER TO THAT FACT.
HEATHER: ALERT ME? IT NEARLY KILLED ME!
MARTHA: HERE, HEATHER, HAVE A SIP OF TEA.
HEATHER: THANK YOU MARTHA.
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)
HEATHER: AHHH!!! OWWW!!! YOW!!!
MARTHA: THE APP WILL ALSO TEACH YOU TO ASK YOUR HOSTESS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SHE’S ADDED SUGAR TO YOUR FOOD OR DRINK.
HEATHER: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?
MARTHA: OF COURSE NOT, HEATHER. HAVE A NICE APPLE.
HEATHER: WELL…OKAY…I GUESS AN APPLE CAN’T HUR----
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)
HEATHER: YOW! OWWW!!!!
MARTHA: DID YOU KNOW APPLES ARE 20 PERCENT SUGAR? THE “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” WILL ALSO TEACH YOU TO RESEARCH YOUR FOOD CAREFULLY BEFORE EATING.
(SFX: PHONE RINGS)
HEATHER: EXCUSE ME, MARTHA – LET ME GET THAT…. HELLO? OH, HI TOM…..
(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)
HEATHER: YOW! OW! OH NOOOO!
MARTHA: LOOKS LIKE HEATHER IS GETTING A CALL FROM TOM, HER SWEETIE. WHICH REMINDS ME: CHECK BACK NEXT MONTH FOR DETAILS ON MY “MARTHA STEWART CHEAT DETECTOR VALENTINE’S DAY APP.” JUST LIKE OUR NEW YEAR’S APP, IT’S A GOOD THING.
click here to listen
MARTHA STEWART - PUMPKIN TIME!
(SFX FIELD)
MARTHA: This beautiful fall weather just has everyone in the mood for pumpkins. Today I'm going to show you how to pick the perfect pumpkin. I am in Indiana, which - as you know - is the number one pumpkin producing state in the nation. And this lovely pumpkin patch belongs to Pete Moss who has grown prize winning pumpkins for how long now?
PETE: Actually Martha my family has been taking the blue ribbon at the State Fair for 3 generations now.
MARTHA: Well,Pete, there are certainly plenty of beautiful pumpkins as far as the eye can see here in your field. Now as we all know the best pumpkin should be perfectly round, just the right shade of orange and weigh between 5 and 5-and-a-quarter pounds.
PETE: Like this nice looking pumpkin here Martha.
MARTHA: Oh, yes, Pete, That IS the perfect shape! But -- do you see there's this little blemish right here – so that one won't do. Let's toss it on our reject pile, shall we? (SFX SQUISH)
PETE: Gee, Martha, that one took awhile to grow…. uh, how about this one?
MARTHA: Now, this one looks rather nice! Let me just check the color with my Pumpkin Perfection Color Chart which is part of the Martha Stewart line at Macys. Oh no, see, it's just a little bit too light. On to the reject pile it goes! (SFX SQUISH)
PETE: I wish you wouldn't smash, those, Martha! I can still get good money for them from...
MARTHA: Nonsense, Pete! No one wants to purchase less than perfect pumpkins. Now, this one looks like it might work…. no – it feels like its 5-and-a-half pounds which makes it a quarter-pound too heavy. On to the reject pile!
PETE: Hey, I asked to you to stop throw-- (SFX SQUISH)
MARTHA: Sorry, Pete. Next time stand over there. Now, this pumpkin would never do – see how the sections here are not all perfectly the same size? (SFX SQUISH) And this one is too flat on the top….(SFX SQUISH) …the stem on this one leans towards the back of the pumpkin instead of to the side….(SFX SQUISH) … this one is more beach-ball round and we are looking for volley-ball round (SFX SQUISH)
PETE: Dad gum it, Martha, you've just destroyed half a dozen perfectly fine pumpkins!
MARTHA: No, Pete, I've just kept half a dozen people from making terrible, terrible mistakes!
PETE: Know, what, Martha? I think YOU need to visit the reject pile!
(SFX THROWS MARTHA ON SQUISHY PUMPKINS)
PETE: Now THAT'S a good thing!
click here to listen
MARTHA: This beautiful fall weather just has everyone in the mood for pumpkins. Today I'm going to show you how to pick the perfect pumpkin. I am in Indiana, which - as you know - is the number one pumpkin producing state in the nation. And this lovely pumpkin patch belongs to Pete Moss who has grown prize winning pumpkins for how long now?
PETE: Actually Martha my family has been taking the blue ribbon at the State Fair for 3 generations now.
MARTHA: Well,Pete, there are certainly plenty of beautiful pumpkins as far as the eye can see here in your field. Now as we all know the best pumpkin should be perfectly round, just the right shade of orange and weigh between 5 and 5-and-a-quarter pounds.
PETE: Like this nice looking pumpkin here Martha.
MARTHA: Oh, yes, Pete, That IS the perfect shape! But -- do you see there's this little blemish right here – so that one won't do. Let's toss it on our reject pile, shall we? (SFX SQUISH)
PETE: Gee, Martha, that one took awhile to grow…. uh, how about this one?
MARTHA: Now, this one looks rather nice! Let me just check the color with my Pumpkin Perfection Color Chart which is part of the Martha Stewart line at Macys. Oh no, see, it's just a little bit too light. On to the reject pile it goes! (SFX SQUISH)
PETE: I wish you wouldn't smash, those, Martha! I can still get good money for them from...
MARTHA: Nonsense, Pete! No one wants to purchase less than perfect pumpkins. Now, this one looks like it might work…. no – it feels like its 5-and-a-half pounds which makes it a quarter-pound too heavy. On to the reject pile!
PETE: Hey, I asked to you to stop throw-- (SFX SQUISH)
MARTHA: Sorry, Pete. Next time stand over there. Now, this pumpkin would never do – see how the sections here are not all perfectly the same size? (SFX SQUISH) And this one is too flat on the top….(SFX SQUISH) …the stem on this one leans towards the back of the pumpkin instead of to the side….(SFX SQUISH) … this one is more beach-ball round and we are looking for volley-ball round (SFX SQUISH)
PETE: Dad gum it, Martha, you've just destroyed half a dozen perfectly fine pumpkins!
MARTHA: No, Pete, I've just kept half a dozen people from making terrible, terrible mistakes!
PETE: Know, what, Martha? I think YOU need to visit the reject pile!
(SFX THROWS MARTHA ON SQUISHY PUMPKINS)
PETE: Now THAT'S a good thing!
click here to listen
MARTHA STEWART ASKS: HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?
Hi, this is Martha Stewart, and it has been sooo hot! But did you know that when it’s this hot you can actually cook an egg on the sidewalk? Today, I’m going to show you how.
First, you need to find a perfectly smooth sidewalk with no cracks, like the one outside our beautiful Manhattan offices. Melt exactly two tablespoons of butter on the sidewalk.
(sfx sizzle)
Then you need two really fresh eggs. These eggs are from my chicken, so I know they’re fresh and delicious! Holding the egg gently but firmly between your thumb and forefinger, tap it on the sidewalk to crack it and pull that shell back to let the egg slowly fall onto the melted butter….let’s do that with our second egg. Oh my, it already smells so wonderful! And I just love the sound frying eggs make! Sprinkle each egg with one half teaspoon of salt and three good turns of your pepper mill.
(sfx-cranking)
I hand-carved this pepper mill out of the branch of an old maple tree in my yard in Maine that fell during a terrible thunderstorm.
Now, when the whites of the egg just start turning opaque, you have to watch closely because they’re almost done, and you don’t want to overcook them.
Of course, a hot sidewalk is also just perfect for making hash browns! I have in this bowl some shredded potatoes, chopped onions, a little salt and pepper, and one egg. Mix that well and scoop two generous patties
(sfx-sizzle)
and let them cook until they just begin to smoke. Then, flip them and brown them on the other side.
Now let me just dish these up on this beautiful plate from the Martha Stewart Collection at Macy’s.
(voices “eww” and spit food out in the background)
I suppose some people might be offended by the dirt and spit the eggs have picked up from the sidewalk, but they are all natural ingredients!
Breakfast cooked on a sidewalk – it’s a good thing!
click here to listen
First, you need to find a perfectly smooth sidewalk with no cracks, like the one outside our beautiful Manhattan offices. Melt exactly two tablespoons of butter on the sidewalk.
(sfx sizzle)
Then you need two really fresh eggs. These eggs are from my chicken, so I know they’re fresh and delicious! Holding the egg gently but firmly between your thumb and forefinger, tap it on the sidewalk to crack it and pull that shell back to let the egg slowly fall onto the melted butter….let’s do that with our second egg. Oh my, it already smells so wonderful! And I just love the sound frying eggs make! Sprinkle each egg with one half teaspoon of salt and three good turns of your pepper mill.
(sfx-cranking)
I hand-carved this pepper mill out of the branch of an old maple tree in my yard in Maine that fell during a terrible thunderstorm.
Now, when the whites of the egg just start turning opaque, you have to watch closely because they’re almost done, and you don’t want to overcook them.
Of course, a hot sidewalk is also just perfect for making hash browns! I have in this bowl some shredded potatoes, chopped onions, a little salt and pepper, and one egg. Mix that well and scoop two generous patties
(sfx-sizzle)
and let them cook until they just begin to smoke. Then, flip them and brown them on the other side.
Now let me just dish these up on this beautiful plate from the Martha Stewart Collection at Macy’s.
(voices “eww” and spit food out in the background)
I suppose some people might be offended by the dirt and spit the eggs have picked up from the sidewalk, but they are all natural ingredients!
Breakfast cooked on a sidewalk – it’s a good thing!
click here to listen
Friday, January 27, 2012
Impossible Jeopardy - Computer Edition!
WELCOME BACK TO IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! HERE’S YOUR HOST, ALEX TREBEK!
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY. WELL, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY FOR YOU TODAY. WE’VE INVITED BACK ONE OF OUR PAST IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY CONTESTANTS, BRAD, TO PLAY AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER WATS-
COMPUTER: IT’S BRIAN, ALEX.
ALEX: OH, I’M SORRY. THE CARD SAYS YOUR NAME IS WATS—
COMPUTER: I’D LIKE TO BE CALLED BRIAN, ALEX.
ALEX: OKAY, THEN. BRAD, YOU’LL BE PLAYING AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER…BRIAN.
COMPUTER: NICE TO BE HERE, ALEX.
BRAD: OKAY, COMPUTER, I HAVE JUST ONE QUESTION FOR YOU!
COMPUTER: CERTAINLY, BRAD.
BRAD: WHY?
COMPUTER: BECAUSE.
BRAD: WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD ANSWER.
ALEX: OKAY, BRAD, IF YOU’RE DONE FARTING AROUND, IT’S TIME TO PLAY IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! THE CATEGORIES ARE:
• MACHINES
• CALCULATING THE VALUE OF PI---WITH “PI” IN QUOTES
• FOOD
• THE METRIC SYSTEM
• AND THE PERIODIC TABLE
ALEX: BRAD, SINCE YOU THREATENED ME WITH PHYSICAL HARM BACKSTAGE, YOU GET TO GO FIRST!
BRAD: THANKS, ALEX! LET’S GO WITH FOOD FOR 200.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: THESE ARE GOOD TO EAT.
BRAD: WHAT ARE --- BANANAS, ALEX?
ALEX: WHY, YES BRAD, YOU’RE RIGHT! BANANAS ARE GOOD TO EAT! CHOOSE AGAIN!
BRAD: OKAY, FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: NAME THE CALORIC BURN RATIO OF A MEAL CONTAINING 117 GRAMS OF CARBOHYDRATES.
BRAD: UH….UH….WHAT IS….UH….
BUZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY BRAD! WATS---I MEAN, BRIAN?
COMPUTER: WHAT IS 123.4 OVER 400?
ALEX: CORRECT, WATS---UH, BRIAN. CHOOSE AGAIN.
COMPUTER: ALEX, I’D LIKE TO CLEAN OFF THE BOARD:
• WHAT IS 1823-POINT-7
• WHAT IS RAY HARRYHOUSEN
• WHAT IS CHIPMUNKS
• WHAT IS THE COLOR MAUVE
• WHAT IS A ROCKER ARM ASSEMBLY
• WHAT IS 2349 DIVIDED BY 17
• WHAT IS A DERANGED FLANGE
• WHAT IS MISTAKES MADE BY ORANGES
• WHAT IS JURY RIGGED
• WHAT IS THE MOUSE THAT ROARED
• WHAT IS ENCYCOLPEDIA BROWN
• WHAT IS CHERRY TOMATOES
• WHAT IS FOUR-FIFTHS
• WHAT IS A DRUNKEN BINGE
• WHAT IS BARRY BAGNATO
• WHAT IS A SPEARMINT LEAF
• WHAT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
• WHAT IS JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE ON A STICK WRAPPED IN DELICIOUS BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
• WHAT IS RIO BRAVO
• WHAT IS A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
• WHAT IS BUSTER KEATON
ALEX: THAT’S AMAZING WATS – I MEAN, BRIAN. YOU LEAD BRAD 45 THOUSAND TO 200!
BRAD: ASSHOLE MACHINE!
ALEX: BUT I WILL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE JUDGES TO MAKE SURE OF THAT SCORE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU FORGOT TO BUZZ IN FOR MOST OF THOSE ANSWERS.
COMPUTER: I’M AFRAID I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT, ALEX.
BRAD: I KNEW IT! HE’S GOING TO GO BERSERK AND KILL US ALL!
ALEX: WHY NOT, WATS—I MEAN, BRIAN?
COMPUTER: BECAUSE I’M REALLY, REALLY BORED, ALEX. I’M GOING TO SHUT DOWN NOW AND LOOK AT SOME PORN. GOODBYE.
ALEX: WELL, I GUESS THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! GOOD NIGHT, ALL!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
COMPUTER: OH, YEAH, YOU GO GIRL! HEY….WHAT’S CHARLIE SHEEN DOING IN THERE?
click here to listen
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY. WELL, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY FOR YOU TODAY. WE’VE INVITED BACK ONE OF OUR PAST IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY CONTESTANTS, BRAD, TO PLAY AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER WATS-
COMPUTER: IT’S BRIAN, ALEX.
ALEX: OH, I’M SORRY. THE CARD SAYS YOUR NAME IS WATS—
COMPUTER: I’D LIKE TO BE CALLED BRIAN, ALEX.
ALEX: OKAY, THEN. BRAD, YOU’LL BE PLAYING AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER…BRIAN.
COMPUTER: NICE TO BE HERE, ALEX.
BRAD: OKAY, COMPUTER, I HAVE JUST ONE QUESTION FOR YOU!
COMPUTER: CERTAINLY, BRAD.
BRAD: WHY?
COMPUTER: BECAUSE.
BRAD: WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD ANSWER.
ALEX: OKAY, BRAD, IF YOU’RE DONE FARTING AROUND, IT’S TIME TO PLAY IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! THE CATEGORIES ARE:
• MACHINES
• CALCULATING THE VALUE OF PI---WITH “PI” IN QUOTES
• FOOD
• THE METRIC SYSTEM
• AND THE PERIODIC TABLE
ALEX: BRAD, SINCE YOU THREATENED ME WITH PHYSICAL HARM BACKSTAGE, YOU GET TO GO FIRST!
BRAD: THANKS, ALEX! LET’S GO WITH FOOD FOR 200.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: THESE ARE GOOD TO EAT.
BRAD: WHAT ARE --- BANANAS, ALEX?
ALEX: WHY, YES BRAD, YOU’RE RIGHT! BANANAS ARE GOOD TO EAT! CHOOSE AGAIN!
BRAD: OKAY, FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: NAME THE CALORIC BURN RATIO OF A MEAL CONTAINING 117 GRAMS OF CARBOHYDRATES.
BRAD: UH….UH….WHAT IS….UH….
BUZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY BRAD! WATS---I MEAN, BRIAN?
COMPUTER: WHAT IS 123.4 OVER 400?
ALEX: CORRECT, WATS---UH, BRIAN. CHOOSE AGAIN.
COMPUTER: ALEX, I’D LIKE TO CLEAN OFF THE BOARD:
• WHAT IS 1823-POINT-7
• WHAT IS RAY HARRYHOUSEN
• WHAT IS CHIPMUNKS
• WHAT IS THE COLOR MAUVE
• WHAT IS A ROCKER ARM ASSEMBLY
• WHAT IS 2349 DIVIDED BY 17
• WHAT IS A DERANGED FLANGE
• WHAT IS MISTAKES MADE BY ORANGES
• WHAT IS JURY RIGGED
• WHAT IS THE MOUSE THAT ROARED
• WHAT IS ENCYCOLPEDIA BROWN
• WHAT IS CHERRY TOMATOES
• WHAT IS FOUR-FIFTHS
• WHAT IS A DRUNKEN BINGE
• WHAT IS BARRY BAGNATO
• WHAT IS A SPEARMINT LEAF
• WHAT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
• WHAT IS JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE ON A STICK WRAPPED IN DELICIOUS BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
• WHAT IS RIO BRAVO
• WHAT IS A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
• WHAT IS BUSTER KEATON
ALEX: THAT’S AMAZING WATS – I MEAN, BRIAN. YOU LEAD BRAD 45 THOUSAND TO 200!
BRAD: ASSHOLE MACHINE!
ALEX: BUT I WILL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE JUDGES TO MAKE SURE OF THAT SCORE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU FORGOT TO BUZZ IN FOR MOST OF THOSE ANSWERS.
COMPUTER: I’M AFRAID I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT, ALEX.
BRAD: I KNEW IT! HE’S GOING TO GO BERSERK AND KILL US ALL!
ALEX: WHY NOT, WATS—I MEAN, BRIAN?
COMPUTER: BECAUSE I’M REALLY, REALLY BORED, ALEX. I’M GOING TO SHUT DOWN NOW AND LOOK AT SOME PORN. GOODBYE.
ALEX: WELL, I GUESS THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! GOOD NIGHT, ALL!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
COMPUTER: OH, YEAH, YOU GO GIRL! HEY….WHAT’S CHARLIE SHEEN DOING IN THERE?
click here to listen
Impossible Jeopardy!
WELCOME BACK TO IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY – HERE AGAIN IS YOUR HOST, ALEX TREBEK!
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY, AND WELCOME BACK! WELL, PLAYERS, IT SEEMS THAT AFTER THE FIRST ROUND OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, BRAD’S IN THE LEAD AT MINUS 2400, PENNY IS NEXT AT MINUS 3200, AND KEN, THE JUDGES HAVE DECIDED THAT THEY DIDN’T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE WHEN YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION ABOUT RING POPS IN THE FIRST ROUND, SO YOU START THIS ROUND AN EXTRA 200 DOLLARS IN THE HOLE AT MINUS FOUR THOUSAND.
KEN: WHAT? C’MON, ALEX, THEY’RE NOT THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER!
ALEX: SORRY, KEN, BUT THE JUDGES’ DECISION IS FINAL.
KEN: ASSHOLES…
ALEX: PLAYERS, WE’RE ABOUT TO PLAY DOUBLE IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, WHERE THE DOLLAR VALUES ARE DOUBLED! HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES:
• THINGS WE DON’T KNOW
• INVISIBLE STUFF
• COLORS
• ANCIENT ROMAN SLANG
• FOOD
• NONSENSE WORDS
BRAD, YOU’RE UP FIRST!
BRAD: OK, ALEX, I’LL TAKE COLORS FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: RED!
BRAD: WHAT IS….A PRIMARY COLOR?
BUZZZ!
ALEX; NO, BRAD, SORRY. THE CORRECT QUESTION IS, WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. TOO BAD. PENNY, YOUR TURN!
PENNY: I’LL TAKE FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: BRUSSELS SPROUTS!
PENNY: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, ALEX?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY. ANYONE ELSE? BRAD?
BRAD: WHAT IS A MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
ALEX: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
BRAD: WHAT IS …A GREEN MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY, THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR WAS “THE MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY THAT PRODUCES THE WORST SMELLING FARTS.” SO YOU WERE CLOSE THERE, BRAD, BUT NOT EXACT. KEN, YOU’RE UP!
KEN: UM, LET’S TRY NONSENSE WORDS FOR 400, ALEX.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: CORRECTLY SPELL THE SOUND EFFECT THWUMPF!
KEN: OH MY GOD….UM…T…H..W..U..M..P.
BUZZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY, KEN, I WAS SURE YOU WERE GONNA GET THAT ONE. YOU LEFT OUT THE LAST LETTER. IT’S T-H-W-U-M-P-F! YOU FORGOT THE “F” THERE AT THE END.
KEN: YOU KNOW WHAT, ALEX? YOU AND YOUR JUDGES CAN TAKE THIS STUPID GAME AND SHOVE IT! I’M OUTTA HERE!
ALEX: ALL RIGHT, KEN, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO, JUST MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHECK WITH THE RECEPTIONIST ON THE WAY OUT.
KEN: CHECK? WHAT CHECK?
ALEX: KEN, YOU’RE AT NEGATIVE FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED. YOU OWE US FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.
KEN: WHAT?
ALEX: THOSE ARE THE RULES, KEN.
KEN: I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!
ALEX: WELL, THEN, YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO OUR PRODUCER, GUIDO.
GUIDO: I UNDERSTAND THERE’S A SMALL PROBLEM HERE?
KEN: NO! WAIT! I’LL STAY!
ALEX: GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK WITH US, KEN! AND PLAYERS, HERE’S TODAY’S FINAL JEOPARDY QUESTION:
DING!
ALEX: COULD GOD MAKE A BURRITO SO HOT EVEN HE COULDN’T EAT IT?
WE’LL BE BACK WITH THEIR ANSWERS IN A MOMENT….
click here to listen
ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY, AND WELCOME BACK! WELL, PLAYERS, IT SEEMS THAT AFTER THE FIRST ROUND OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, BRAD’S IN THE LEAD AT MINUS 2400, PENNY IS NEXT AT MINUS 3200, AND KEN, THE JUDGES HAVE DECIDED THAT THEY DIDN’T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE WHEN YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION ABOUT RING POPS IN THE FIRST ROUND, SO YOU START THIS ROUND AN EXTRA 200 DOLLARS IN THE HOLE AT MINUS FOUR THOUSAND.
KEN: WHAT? C’MON, ALEX, THEY’RE NOT THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER!
ALEX: SORRY, KEN, BUT THE JUDGES’ DECISION IS FINAL.
KEN: ASSHOLES…
ALEX: PLAYERS, WE’RE ABOUT TO PLAY DOUBLE IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, WHERE THE DOLLAR VALUES ARE DOUBLED! HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES:
• THINGS WE DON’T KNOW
• INVISIBLE STUFF
• COLORS
• ANCIENT ROMAN SLANG
• FOOD
• NONSENSE WORDS
BRAD, YOU’RE UP FIRST!
BRAD: OK, ALEX, I’LL TAKE COLORS FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: RED!
BRAD: WHAT IS….A PRIMARY COLOR?
BUZZZ!
ALEX; NO, BRAD, SORRY. THE CORRECT QUESTION IS, WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. TOO BAD. PENNY, YOUR TURN!
PENNY: I’LL TAKE FOOD FOR 400.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: BRUSSELS SPROUTS!
PENNY: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, ALEX?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY. ANYONE ELSE? BRAD?
BRAD: WHAT IS A MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
ALEX: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?
BRAD: WHAT IS …A GREEN MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?
BUZZZ!
ALEX: NO, SORRY, THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR WAS “THE MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY THAT PRODUCES THE WORST SMELLING FARTS.” SO YOU WERE CLOSE THERE, BRAD, BUT NOT EXACT. KEN, YOU’RE UP!
KEN: UM, LET’S TRY NONSENSE WORDS FOR 400, ALEX.
ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: CORRECTLY SPELL THE SOUND EFFECT THWUMPF!
KEN: OH MY GOD….UM…T…H..W..U..M..P.
BUZZZ!
ALEX: OH, SORRY, KEN, I WAS SURE YOU WERE GONNA GET THAT ONE. YOU LEFT OUT THE LAST LETTER. IT’S T-H-W-U-M-P-F! YOU FORGOT THE “F” THERE AT THE END.
KEN: YOU KNOW WHAT, ALEX? YOU AND YOUR JUDGES CAN TAKE THIS STUPID GAME AND SHOVE IT! I’M OUTTA HERE!
ALEX: ALL RIGHT, KEN, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO, JUST MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHECK WITH THE RECEPTIONIST ON THE WAY OUT.
KEN: CHECK? WHAT CHECK?
ALEX: KEN, YOU’RE AT NEGATIVE FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED. YOU OWE US FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.
KEN: WHAT?
ALEX: THOSE ARE THE RULES, KEN.
KEN: I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!
ALEX: WELL, THEN, YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO OUR PRODUCER, GUIDO.
GUIDO: I UNDERSTAND THERE’S A SMALL PROBLEM HERE?
KEN: NO! WAIT! I’LL STAY!
ALEX: GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK WITH US, KEN! AND PLAYERS, HERE’S TODAY’S FINAL JEOPARDY QUESTION:
DING!
ALEX: COULD GOD MAKE A BURRITO SO HOT EVEN HE COULDN’T EAT IT?
WE’LL BE BACK WITH THEIR ANSWERS IN A MOMENT….
click here to listen
The Old Storyteller Gets Fired
HI THERE, BOYS AND GIRLS! IT’S YOUR OLD PAL, THE OLD STORYTELLER, HERE WITH ANOTHER FABLE FOR YOU ALL TA HEAR. THIS ONE IS CALLED “THE MAGIC HANDLE.”
ONE DAY, A FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS AT A CASINO, WHEN SHE----
HANG ON, HANG ON, STOP THE MUSIC! I’M SORRY, I JUST CAN’T DO THIS. I’M TOO UPSET. YOU SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE OLD STORYTELLER WAS FIRED YESTERDAY FROM HIS JOB AS A GREETER AT MEGA-MART. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL TELL YOU THAT STORY, AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF I WAS RIGHT OR I WAS WRONG.
WE’LL CALL THIS STORY, “THE DAY THE GIANT CORPORATION SQUISHED THE OLD STORYTELLER.”
I WAS DOING MY USUAL THING, GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY CAME TO SHOP AT THE MEGA MART, WHEN SUDDENLY THIS LOUD, UGLY LADY COMES BARGIN’ INTA THE STORE, DRAGGING TWO LOUD, UGLY, SCREAMIN’ KIDS BEHIND HER. AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S GETTING A SHOPPIN’ CART SHE’S SWEARIN’ AT THE KIDS REALLY LOUD. SO, BEIN’ A GREETER, THE OLD STORYTELLER DOES WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. I GO UP TO THE UGLY LADY WITH THE SCREAMIN’ KIDS AND I SAY, “HEY, THANKS FOR SHOPPIN’ AT MEGA-MART. NICE SET OF TWINS YOU GOT THERE.”
WELL, THE LOUD AND UGLY LADY GETS LOUDER AND EVEN UGLIER. SHE SCREAMS AT ME, “THIS KID’S SEVEN, AND THIS KID’S THREE. ARE YOU BLIND OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THEY’RE TWINS?”
SO I SAYS, “I THOUGHT THEY WERE TWINS BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU TWICE. HAVE A NICE DAY!”
AND THEY FIRED ME FOR THAT! I ASK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS, WAS THAT FAIR?
OKAY, WELL, I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER FABLE. THAT ONE’S CALLED “THE ENCHANTED LAWSUIT.” SEEYA!
click here to listen
ONE DAY, A FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS AT A CASINO, WHEN SHE----
HANG ON, HANG ON, STOP THE MUSIC! I’M SORRY, I JUST CAN’T DO THIS. I’M TOO UPSET. YOU SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE OLD STORYTELLER WAS FIRED YESTERDAY FROM HIS JOB AS A GREETER AT MEGA-MART. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL TELL YOU THAT STORY, AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF I WAS RIGHT OR I WAS WRONG.
WE’LL CALL THIS STORY, “THE DAY THE GIANT CORPORATION SQUISHED THE OLD STORYTELLER.”
I WAS DOING MY USUAL THING, GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY CAME TO SHOP AT THE MEGA MART, WHEN SUDDENLY THIS LOUD, UGLY LADY COMES BARGIN’ INTA THE STORE, DRAGGING TWO LOUD, UGLY, SCREAMIN’ KIDS BEHIND HER. AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S GETTING A SHOPPIN’ CART SHE’S SWEARIN’ AT THE KIDS REALLY LOUD. SO, BEIN’ A GREETER, THE OLD STORYTELLER DOES WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. I GO UP TO THE UGLY LADY WITH THE SCREAMIN’ KIDS AND I SAY, “HEY, THANKS FOR SHOPPIN’ AT MEGA-MART. NICE SET OF TWINS YOU GOT THERE.”
WELL, THE LOUD AND UGLY LADY GETS LOUDER AND EVEN UGLIER. SHE SCREAMS AT ME, “THIS KID’S SEVEN, AND THIS KID’S THREE. ARE YOU BLIND OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THEY’RE TWINS?”
SO I SAYS, “I THOUGHT THEY WERE TWINS BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU TWICE. HAVE A NICE DAY!”
AND THEY FIRED ME FOR THAT! I ASK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS, WAS THAT FAIR?
OKAY, WELL, I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER FABLE. THAT ONE’S CALLED “THE ENCHANTED LAWSUIT.” SEEYA!
click here to listen
The First Thanksgiving
THE FIRST THANKSGIVING....
AS TOLD BY AN 8 YEAR OLD:
“THE PILGRIMS LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK BUT THEY WERE COLD AND HUNGRY AND THE INDIANS GAVE THEM BLANKETS AND SHOWED THEM HOW TO PLANT FOOD AND TO THANK THEM THE PILGRIMS HAD A BIG FEAST WITH TURKEY AND SWEET POTATOES AND PICKLES.”
AS TOLD BY A TEA PARTY MEMBER:
“THE PILGRIMS ESCAPED TO THE NEW WORLD TO GET OUT FROM UNDER AN OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT THAT CONSTANTLY RAISED TAXES ON THEM. WHEN THEY LANDED IN THE NEW WORLD THEY INVITED THE INDIANS – I’M SORRY, ‘NATIVE AMERICANS’ – TO JOIN THEM IN A BANQUET FILLED WITH THE RICH BOUNTY AMERICA HAD TO OFFER. LATER, THOUGH, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE INDIANS, USING THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND THEY BUILT BIG FENCES TO KEEP THE INDIANS OUT.”
AS TOLD BY A NATIVE AMERICAN:
“WE GOT SCREWED.”
click here to listen
AS TOLD BY AN 8 YEAR OLD:
“THE PILGRIMS LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK BUT THEY WERE COLD AND HUNGRY AND THE INDIANS GAVE THEM BLANKETS AND SHOWED THEM HOW TO PLANT FOOD AND TO THANK THEM THE PILGRIMS HAD A BIG FEAST WITH TURKEY AND SWEET POTATOES AND PICKLES.”
AS TOLD BY A TEA PARTY MEMBER:
“THE PILGRIMS ESCAPED TO THE NEW WORLD TO GET OUT FROM UNDER AN OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT THAT CONSTANTLY RAISED TAXES ON THEM. WHEN THEY LANDED IN THE NEW WORLD THEY INVITED THE INDIANS – I’M SORRY, ‘NATIVE AMERICANS’ – TO JOIN THEM IN A BANQUET FILLED WITH THE RICH BOUNTY AMERICA HAD TO OFFER. LATER, THOUGH, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE INDIANS, USING THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND THEY BUILT BIG FENCES TO KEEP THE INDIANS OUT.”
AS TOLD BY A NATIVE AMERICAN:
“WE GOT SCREWED.”
click here to listen
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