Father Hardy and the Last Deal

And now it’s time to check in on the ever-faithful Father Hardy. Today, Father Hardy is playing a friendly game of poker with some of his parishioners. Paddy Murphy has just dropped dead. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Michael: Oh dear, Paddy lost 500 dollars on that last hand. D’ya think it coulda caused him to drop dead?
Fr. Hardy: God works in mysterious ways, Michael.
Michael: I feel sorry for ya, Fatha.
Fr. Hardy: Thank ya, Michael. But I think we’ll all get our money back ‘cause Paddy died, so I won’t be losin’ that 300 dollars after all.
Michael: No, I mean you’ll have to be tellin’ Paddy’s wife about him dyin’ and all.
Fr. Hardy: Oh, right right right. I’ll be headin’ off just as soon as I get me 300 dollars back.

Three hours later

Mrs. Murphy: Why, Father Hardy, it’s good ta see ya.
Fr. Hardy: Not really, Margaret. Your husband just lost 500 dollars in a poker game.
Mrs. Murphy: Why that – beggin’ yer pardon, Fatha, but you can tell him to drop dead!
Fr. Hardy: That I will, Margaret. I'll go tell him now.

Be with us next time as Father Hardy learns American history from Sarah Palin

Fr. Hardy: So George Washington threw a silver dollar across the river so the taxman wouldn’t get it?
Sarah: You betcha!

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Father Hardy and the Widow

Time once more for another one of Father Hardy’s heavenly adventures. Today we find Father Hardy once again greeting parishioners after Mass. Mary Clancy is crying.

Father Hardy: Why, Mary Clancy, why are you crying?
Mary: Oh, Father, I've got terrible news! Me husband passed away last night!
Father Hardy: Oh, Mary, that is terrible news. I should have been there to deliver the Last Rites. Why didn’t you call me?
Mary: I did call ya, Father. But ya mumbled somethin’ about a full house and hung up. I figured you were entertainin’ guests.
Father Hardy: Oh, yes, ‘tis true, I did have people over. And just so’s you know, it wasn’t very entertainin’. They walked off with 500 dollars from the collection pla – that is, I mean, 500 holy cards from the vestibule. Anyways, I’d like to make it up to ya. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?
Mary: That he did, Father.
Father Hardy: Maybe I can make things right for ya. What did he ask, Mary?
Mary: Well, Father, he said, “Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...”

Be with us next time when Father Hardy attempts to barbecue over a burning bush.



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Father Hardy And The Brothel

We join parishioners Shamus and Clancy as they sit in a pub on the village square:

Clancy: Shamus! Y’see that house across the way?
Shamus: What, that old ramshackle place?
Clancy: No, no ‘tis a fine cottage!
Shamus: Wait, let me put me beer glasses on….ah yes, I see it now. Beautiful, it is!
Clancy: It’s a brothel!
Shamus: A what?
Clancy: A cathouse!
Shamus: But I don’t see any –
Clancy: Yes, I know, y’don’t see any cats! It’s a house of ill repute, then.
Shamus: Ohhh…how terrible!
Clancy: They say it’s frequented by men of the cloth. Like, see there, just now, who’s goin’ in!
Shamus: Why, it’s the Reverend McClatchy!
Clancy: See, I told you those Methodists are hypocrites!
Shamus: Right you are, as always, my friend!
Clancy: And look who’s there now!
Shamus: Oh dear, it’s the rabbi!
Clancy: God’s chosen people, indeed!
Shamus: Indeed, indeed! Why, would you look at that!
Clancy: What?
Shamus: Goin in t’the reputedly ill house…
Clancy: That’s house of ill –
Shamus: It’s Father Hardy!
Clancy: Oh, now, this is terrible!
Shamus: Terrible, indeed!
Clancy: I’m so sorry.
Shamus: As we all should be.
Clancy: It’s obvious that one of those poor girls has died.
Shamus: Obliviously.

Join us next time as Father Hardy attempts to explain Charlie Sheen.

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Father Hardy And The Missing Hat

We join Father Hardy at the end of Mass, as he talks with of his parishioners:

Father Hardy: Murphy! I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. I haven’t seen you here in years! What made you come?
Murphy: I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat. I really, really love that hat.
Father Hardy: I’ve seen you with that hat. Stylish. Gives a whole new meaning to “porkpie.”
Murphy: Now, I know that Shamus McCarthy has a hat just like mine, and I know he comes to church every Sunday. So, I had the idea that I was going to leave after Communion and steal McCarthy's hat.
Father Hardy: Murphy, that’s terrible! Who would come to church to steal something?
Murphy: I would, Father.
Father Hardy: Oh, yes, I guess you just said you would.
Murphy: That I did, Father.
Father Hardy: But I notice that you didn't steal McCarthy's hat. What changed your mind?
Murphy: Well, Father, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McCarthy's hat after all.
Father Hardy: So, after I talked about “thou shalt not steal” you decided you would not steal McCarthy’s hat and do without a stylish hat rather than burn in hell?
Murphy: No, Father. After ya talked about “thou shalt not commit adultery” I remembered where I left me hat.

Join us next time as Father Hardy tries to explain Lady Gaga to the Ladies’ Auxiliary.

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THE HAIRCUTTER’S GIFT

Hello, boys and girls, it’s your old pal, the Old Storyteller, just out of stir and ready with another fable for all my little pals! This one is called “The Haircutter’s Gift.”

One day a florist went to the barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, but the barber – who spent time in the same big house as the Old Storyteller -- replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a baker came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week." The baker was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

The moral of the story is: "It takes a congressman to run a clip joint!"

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