Things To Do:

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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Father Hardy and the Sermon

ANNOUNCER:  TIME FOR ANOTHER WONDROUS STORY ABOUT THE EVER-BLESSED FATHER HARDY.  TODAY WE FIND TWO OF FATHER HARDY’S ALTAR BOYS LAUGHING IN THE SACRISTY.  WHY?  LET’S FIND OUT, SHALL WE?
ALTAR BOY 1: WHAT’S SO FUNNY, PATRICK?
ALTAR BOY 2:  FATHER HARDY TOLD ME HE COULD PREACH A SERMON ON ANY TOPIC ON EARTH, AND I BET HIM FIVE POUNDS I COULD COME UP WITH A TOPIC THAT WOULD STUMP HIM.
ALTAR BOY 1:  OHH, FATHER HARDY IS VERY PROUD OF HIS SERMONS.  WHAT TOPIC DID YOU COME UP WITH TO STUMP HIM?
ALTAR BOY 2: I JUST PUT THE PIECE OF PAPER ON HIS PULPIT.  ALL IT SAYS IS:  “CONSTIPATION.”
ALTAR BOY 1:  AHH, THAT’LL GET HIM!
ANNOUNCER:  LATER THAT MASS…..
FATHER HARDY: HMM, LET’S SEE WHAT PATRICK HAS COME UP WITH….(OPENING PAPER)…OH DEAR…..UMMM….
TODAY, WE TURN TO THE STORY OF MOSES ON THE MOUNTAIN.  MOSES WAS TIED UP IN KNOTS OVER THE UNFAITHFULNESS OF THE ISRAELITES.  BUT AT THE TOP OF MOUNT SINAI, GOD GAVE HIM TWO TABLETS, AND MOSES TOOK THESE AS HE WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, AND HE FELT MUCH BETTER!
ANNOUNCER:  BE WITH US NEXT TIME AS WE HEAR PATRICK SAY:
ALTAR BOY 2:  HOW DO YOU SPELL  “CHLAMYDIA?”

Words That Are Fun To Say!

WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF WORDS THAT ARE FUN TO SAY!
TODAY’S WORDS ARE:
·        MELLIFLUOUS
·        JAUNDICED
·        SCROTUM
·        PACHYDERM
·        BRANDISHED
·        ONOMATOPOEIA
·        WIZARDLY
·        POOP
·        JOCULARITY
·        IONOSPHERE
·        BLOVIATE
·        AND, OF COURSE, C**KSUCKER AND ASSWIPE

JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF “WORDS THAT ARE FUN TO SAY!”

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Rules of Broadcasting for Women

WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF THE RULES OF BROADCASTING!  TODAY, WE’RE FOCUSING ON THE RULES CONCERNING WOMEN IN THE BROADCAST MEDIA.
·        LADIES, IF YOU APPLY FOR ON-AIR RADIO OR TELEVISION POSITIONS, BE AWARE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE A CLEAR VOICE, AN UPBEAT PERSONALITY, A PLEASANT DEMEANOR, AND EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE HOOTERS. 
·        A WORD OF WARNING: NEVER LET A BROADCAST EXECUTIVE PAY YOU ONLY A THIRD OF WHAT THE MALE BROADCASTERS ARE BEING PAID!  THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!  INSIST ON GETTING AT LEAST HALF OF WHAT THE MEN ARE PAID!  STAND YOUR GROUND!
·        IF A MAN WORKING AT THE STATION ASKS YOU TO GET HIM COFFEE, YOU ARE PERFECTLY CORRECT IN POINTING OUT THAT THE COFFEE MAKER IS IN THE NEXT ROOM, AND HE IS MORE THAN WELCOME TO GET IT HIMSELF.  AND IF YOU’D LIKE TO SHOW OFF A BIT OF THAT UPBEAT PERSONALITY, YOU CAN ADD A CLEVER RETORT, SUCH AS, “GET YOUR OWN COFFEE, NUMB-NUTS!”
·        YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO ADOPT AN ON-AIR NAME THAT MAKES YOU SEEM EROTIC, BUT ACCESSABLE;  SEXY, BUT SWEET.  CHOICES INCLUDE:  KIRSTEN, KRISTIN, KRISTINE, KRISSY (WITH AN I DOTTED WITH A LITTLE HEART), KRISTA, AND KIRSTA – ALL SPELLED WITH THE LETTER “K” OF COURSE!

IN CLOSING, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT BROADCASTING CAN BE A FUN, CHALLENGING JOB FOR A WOMAN.  IT SHOULDN’T, BUT IT CAN.

Where The Mild Things Are!

TODAY’S STORY IS “WHERE THE MILD THINGS ARE,” BY MITT ROMNEY


THE NIGHT MITT WORE HIS BEST SUIT AND MADE MISCHIEF OF ONE KIND AND ANOTHER.
HE SHAVED A HEAD BUT RECEIVED NO PUNISHMENT.

LATER, HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. IN HIS PRIVATE YACHT, MITT SAILED OFF THROUGH THE PRIMARIES, NIGHT AND DAY AND IN AND OUT OF WEEKS AND ALMOST OVER A YEAR
TO WHERE THE REPUBLICANS ARE!
AND WHEN HE CAME TO THE PLACE WHERE THE REPUBLICANS ARE THEY ROARED THEIR TERRIBLE ROARS!
AND GNASHED THEIR TERRIBLE TEETH!
AND ROLLED THEIR TERRIBLE EYES!
AND SHOWED THEIR TERRIBLE CLAWS
TILL MITT SAID:
“THE TREES HERE ARE JUST THE RIGHT HEIGHT”
AND TAMED THEM  WITH THE MAGIC TRICK OF SPENDING MORE MONEY THAN ALL THE REPUBLICANS COMBINED WITHOUT BLINKING ONCE.
AND THEY WERE FRIGHTENED AND MADE HIM NOMINEE.
THEN MITT SAID: "AND NOW, LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!!”
THEN, HE TIED HIS DOG TO THE TOP OF HIS CAR AND DROVE BACK ALMOST OVER A YEAR AND IN AND OUT OF WEEKS AND THROUGH A DAY AND INTO THE NIGHT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, WHERE HE FOUND HE WAS STILL NOT HOT


Friday, June 15, 2012

"The Chinese were wrong. One word is worth a thousand pictures." -Ray Bradbury

Remembrance
        by  Ray Bradbury
And this is where we went, I thought,
Now here, now there, upon the grass
Some forty years ago.I had returned and walked along the streets
And saw the house where I was born
And grown and had my endless days.The days being short now, simply I had come
To gaze and look and stare upon
The thought of that once endless maze of afternoons.But most of all I wished to find the places where I ran
As dogs do run before or after boys,The paths put down by Indians or brothers wise and swift
Pretending at a tribe.I came to the ravine.I half slid down the path
A man with graying hair but seeming supple thoughts
And saw the place was empty.
Fools! I thought.
O, boys of this new year,
Why don’t you know the Abyss waits you here?Ravines are special fine and lovely green
And secretive and wandering with apes and thugs
And bandit bees that steal from flowers to give to trees.Caves echo here and creeks for wading after loot:
A water-strider, crayfish, precious stone
Or long-lost rubber boot --It is a natural treasure-house, so why the silent place?
What’s happened to our boys that they no longer race
And stand them still to contemplate Christ’s handiwork:His clear blood bled in syrups from the lovely wounded trees?
Why only bees and blackbird winds and bending grass?
No matter. Walk.
Walk, look, and sweet recall.
I came upon an oak where once when I was twelve
I had climbed up and screamed for Skip to get me down.It was a thousand miles to earth.
I shut my eyes and yelled.My brother, richly compelled to mirth, gave shouts of laughter
And scaled up to rescue me."What were you doing there?" he said.
I did not tell. Rather drop me dead.
But I was there to place a note within a squirrel nest
On which I’d written some old secret thing now long forgot.
Now in the green ravine of middle years I stood
Beneath that tree. Why, why, I thought, my God,It’s not so high. Why did I shriek?
It can’t be more than fifteen feet above. I’ll climb it handily.
And did.
And squatted like an aging ape alone and thanking God
That no one saw this ancient man at antics
Clutched grotesquely to the bole.But then, ah God, what awe.The squirrel’s hole and long-lost nest were there.
I lay upon the limb a long while, thinking.
I drank in all the leaves and clouds and weathers
Going by as mindless
As the days.What, what, what if? I thought.
But no. Some forty years beyond!
The note I’d put? It’s surely stolen off by now.
A boy or screech-owl’s pilfered, read, and tattered it.It’s scattered to the lake like pollen, chestnut leaf
Or smoke of dandelion that breaks along the wind of time...
No. No.
I put my hand into the nest. I dug my fingers deep.Nothing. And still more nothing.
Yet digging furtherI brought forth:The note.Like mothwings neatly powdered on themselves, and folded close
It had survived. No rains had touched, no sunlight bleached
Its stuff. It lay upon my palm. I knew its look:Ruled paper from an old Sioux Indian Head scribble writing book.
What, what, oh, what had I put there in words
So many years ago?
I opened it. For now I had to know.I opened it, and wept. I clung then to the tree
And let the tears flow out and down my chin.
Dear boy, strange child, who must have known the years
And reckoned time and smelled sweet death from flowers
In the far churchyard.It was a message to the future, to myself.
Knowing one day I must arrive, come, seek, return.
From the young one to the old. From the me that was small
And fresh to the me that was large and no longer new.What did it say that made me weep?
I remember you.
I remember you.

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