Christmas Memories 3

Christmas Day may be gone, but the memories linger on... especially for Musical Innertube Staff Meteorologist Dee Frost.

Say What?

So let me get this straight: Wayne LaPierre of the NRA blames violent movies, TV and video games for the killing sprees, and his solution to the problem is straight out of shoot 'em up westerns and TV cop shows -- "The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun."

If anyone needs to have his worldview questioned, it's Wayne LaPierre.

Which got us to thinking -- what if a beloved Christmas character thought just like Wayne LaPierre?

How To Cope With Holiday Stress

Christmas is just a few days away.  You have cards to mail. Presents to buy. Treats to bake. Dinner to plan.  You feel s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d.

Which, of course, is no way to feel during the hap-happiest time of the year! A time of cheer and joy and good will to men!

So here's a guaranteed, sure-fire way to relieve the stress of the holidays.  Listen, take the advice, relax in your favorite chair near a roaring fire (in the fireplace), pour yourself a glass of egg nog and take a deep breath.  You can wait 'til later to thank me.

Ho ho ho!

Christmas Memories 2

As I may have mentioned earlier, on my podcast, The Musical Innertube, I've got staff members up The Wazoo (The Wazoo, of course, being the name of our stylish office building in Rochester, New Hampshire).  

One of them is Sports Director Jim Shorts.  Jim's big claim to fame (besides being able to twist his left arm into the shape of a pretzel) is that he played center on the C.W. Post University football team (the Post Toasties!) that won the 1968 Cereal Bowl.

Here is his Christmas Memory (tm).

What To Get the Hard-To-Buy-For Kid

Over the past few Christmas seasons, kids had to have Beany Babies or Cabbage Patch Kids or Tickle Me Elmo.  This year, it's "Car Crash!"

Christmas Memories 1

On my podcast, The Musical Innertube, I'm aided and abetted (not necessarily in that order) by a wonderful staff of warm, caring individuals.  

(Hey, everyone, that's your Christmas bonus!  Please enjoy!)

Staff Inventor Ed Isson comes from a long line of geniuses.  His father invented aluminum ripple ice cream.

Here's his Christmas Memory(tm).

The Giving Time of Year

Here's good holiday advice from George Michael and friends about the pitfalls of holiday giving.

Looks Like Rain, Dear

Leave it to the Old Storyteller to know the REAL story of Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer! (By the way, is it just me, or does it seem weird that in the late 1940s, when Communists were under every rock and around every corner, we get a lovable Christmas character named Rudolph?  Whose main attribute is a RED nose?  Just sayin'.)

Santa's Hotline

Why is is that toddlers cry when they're put on Santa's lap? It's supposed to be fun!  A time when kids can tell the jolly old elf from the North Pole what toys they want him to deliver on Christmas Eve. What could be more delightful than a jolly grandfather bringing you free toys?

Well, first off,  a large man with a big bushy beard has got to be incredibly scary to a little kid.  Second, your parents WILLINGLY hand you over to him and then walk away!  

For me, the scares didn't end there.  My mother used to keep me in line with the old "Santa is watching you, so you'd better be good or you won't get any toys on Christmas!" warning. Except I took it to heart.  I remember being 4 or 5 and scared to death to look out my bedroom window at night for fear I'd see Santa peeking back in.  Some kids were afraid of the Boogeyman -- I was afraid of Santa.

So here's where Santa gets payback for scaring me.

Christmas Thoughts

Here's what I think when I think "Christmas."  (Actually, I think there's egg nog involved as well.)

Why Buy This?

My all-time favorite beverage product is Caffeine-Free Diet Coke.  It should be re-named "Bubbling Brown Water."

More Cow Bell

I was listening to Terry "Motormouth" Young ("I'm not talking fast, you're listening slow") on Sirius satellite radio's 60s on 6 last night and heard Hugh Masekela's "Grazin' in the Grass" for the first time in a long time.  Terry made a big deal about the cowbell at the beginning, which is the reason I picked that song as my "theme song" when I was on KXLU radio at Loyola Marymount University back in the 70s.
I had to have a theme song because Tad Stones had one.  Tad is an animator currently working on Fox TV's "Bob's Burgers," and before that he was at Disney helping to put together the "Disney Afternoon" package of cartoons (CLICK HERE to listen to the interview I did with Tad for my podcast, The Musical Innertube).  But back at LMU, he was the morning DJ at KXLU.  And he had the coolest theme song ever, "I Was Kaiser Bill's Batman" by Whistling Jack Smith. I needed a cool theme song just to keep up.  For awhile I mixed and matched "Grazin'" with "Soulful Strut" by Young Holt Unlimited, but eventually I went to "Grazin'"full-time because of that great cowbell. I would turn on the mike as the song's intro played and say, "The sound of the cowbell means Rooney's on the radio again," and people would rush to their radios.  Mostly to turn them off.

While listening to Terry go on about the cowbell last night, it occurred to me that I beat Christopher Walken and those guys at Saturday Night Live by about 20-some odd years with the "more cowbell" routine.  So there's that.

You Think We'd Have Learned By Now

Below is a list of five things I can think of off the top of my head that we encounter fairly regularly in the course of our lives and still haven't managed to adequately prepare for or cope with when they happen:

1. Snow
2. Hurricanes and/or Tornadoes
3. Elections
4. Car Breakdowns
5. Falling in Love

Why President Obama Was Re-Elected

Americans by and large are tired of being scared.  Scared by SuperPacs.  Here in Pennsylvania, which was an on-again, off-again swing state this election, the political ads in the last few days before the election weren't pro-Romney. They were anti-Obama. Designed to scare.  All accused Obama of putting the American economy in the tank, and forecast years of misery if he were to be re-elected, with a lot of young Moms and Dads looking pained and rubbing their foreheads.  All paid for by "Americans For This" or "The Committee To Preserve That," SuperPACs that the Supreme Court says are people, too.  A common statement I heard on election day:  "Hey, I can watch TV again!"

We all realize that the American dream is a Dad who makes a ton of money at his job so Mom can stay home and make apple pies and little Dick and Jane go to a school staffed by caring teachers where all the kids play nice.  But it's the American dream.  American reality, that's slightly different. Those of us who live in the reality instead of the dream are women, gays, immigrants, people of color. We deal with it.  It's really no big deal.  And we get tired of those who would rather spend their time yelling about how threatened they are, and how they want everyone to live in their dream world. Shut up and just deal with reality and move forward.  Hmm.  "Forward."  Where have I heard that before?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch some TV.

The Life of Rooney: Extra! Read All About It!

A recent post by Mark Evanier on his blog about how he got his mom a job as an extra on L.A. Law got me to thinking about my experiences as an extra in big-time Hollywood movies. Isn't a life I'd want to lead, but for some people it is, indeed, a full-time occupation.  And it does amaze me that some people will go through the rigors of being, as one of the extras called it, "living furniture" in the slim hope that they'll get their big acting break. Or maybe for many of them it's just the thrill of being in the movies, no matter how small their part.

The first time I was an extra, I was part of a crowd scene -- and, if being an extra in most productions is like being part of the background furniture, in that one I was part of a background forest.  I was right out of college, living in relative squalor in the town of Venice in Southern California, a few miles from the Loyola Marylount campus I'd just left.  My roommate had been editor of the college newspaper, and through his contacts he'd heard that the 1976 remake of "King Kong," starring Jeff bridges and Jessica Lange, needed extras for the scene where Kong breaks free at the carnival where he's been put on display after being brought to America from the jungle island.  We hopped in my roommate's car and headed to the MGM studio backlot in Culver City about 7 one evening, joining a couple of thousand other people who'd also received promotional tickets.  We were herded into bleachers facing a huge mechanical Kong.  His head moved side-to-side and his right arm moved up and down. He looked right at home at a carnival, like one of those moving statues they put outside the fun house.  Once in the bleachers, we were told via bullhorn -- wielded by the director or, more likely, an assistant director -- to applaud, then lean to the left, then lean to the right, then scream.  We screamed dozens of times, so the cameras could get close shots of some of the terrified patrons -- probably paid extras that were put in the front rows of the bleachers just for those shots.  I do remember being incredibly hoarse by the end of the night. We were then thanked by the director/assistant with the bullhorn for helping make the scene so successful and told to give ourselves a round of applause.  Then came the last take of the night:  we were to scramble out of the bleachers in a mad dash for the exits because Kong had just broken his chains! The "mad scramble" was somewhat choreographed by the stage hands who, just out of camera range, herded us through marked exits.  Once outside the bleachers, we found ourselves back in the parking area.  Our payment?  That nice round of applause that we gave ourselves.  The whole experience took about two hours.  When the movie came out, you couldn't find me or my roommate with a magnifying glass. 

By 1999, I was a weathercaster at a TV station in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  John Travolta and Lisa Kudrow visited, with a film crew in tow, to shoot scenes for a new comedy, "Lucky Numbers," loosely based on an actual incident in Pennsylvania Lottery lore.  In 1980, Nick Perry, weatherman for Pittsburgh TV station WTAE, where lottery numbers were drawn at the time, conspired with others at the station to fill some of the lottery machines' numbered ping-pong balls with paint so they wouldn't rise in the blasts of air that flowed to the top of the machines, where the winning ping-pong balls were sucked out through a small tube. Left un-filled were the numbers 6 and 4 so they would be the only numbers in the tube.  The drawing on the night of April 24th produced the number 666 and a one-point-eight million dollar bonanza for Perry and his pals, who were later discovered and sent to prison.  The lottery drawings were moved to the state capitol, Harrisburg, and to my TV station, WHP, so state officials could keep an eye on things.  But old habits die hard.  In 1999, I was the weatherman and announcer for the lottery drawings, just as Nick Perry had been in 1980. 
"Lucky Numbers" cast Travolta as the weatherman and Kudrow as his partner-in-crime, the woman who drew the lottery numbers from the machines. (In the real life drawings, a lottery official draws under the watchful eye of a senior citizen.)  One afternoon I got a call from the film's production company, asking for videotapes of the station's news opening and of my weathercast, so they could put together accurate-looking graphics and sets.
The next call I got was from the film's casting people.  They said in looking over the tapes they noticed I was doing what Travolta would do in the movie: weather and lottery drawings.  Would I like to be an extra in the film?
About a month later, I pulled into the parking lot of a doctor's office across the Susquehanna River from the TV station.  I drove a 1988 Volvo wagon, and I was getting paid to park it in the lot -- the film company needed 1980s cars in the lot of the doctor's office, which was doubling for the film's TV station.  All us extras were herded into an unused upstairs office, where we sat....and sat...and sat.  No snacks, no TV set, no diversions.  Just three days of waiting. On the second and third days I brought a book, but it was still incredibly dull.  We were let out for lunch, and dinner one night when the shoot went long, but other than that we had to stay in that upstairs office so a crew member could find us at any time. Every once in a while, someone from the crew would stick his or her head in the door and select two or three of us to come downstairs and walk behind a shot.  I was never chosen for those. Most of my fellow extras were used to it; they had appeared in films shot in Philadelphia, Baltimore and New Jersey.  A couple of us, though, were "newbies," including a teacher who took a week off from her middle school classes.
On the second day, bored and antsy, five of us extras broke ranks and walked downstairs to the parking lot to watch the crew shoot a scene with Ed O'Neill, who played the TV station manager.  In the scene, he gets out of his car and steps on a ping-pong ball and begins to suspect something's going on with the lottery drawing.  The nurses who worked in the doctor's office flocked to O'Neill when the scene was done to get his autograph.  On their way back to the office, two of the nurses recognized me from my TV weathercasts and walked over to get my autograph as well. This flummoxed my fellow extras -- why would anyone want MY autograph?  When I told them why, they seemed a little impressed, but none of them asked for my autograph.
The discussions that went on in that office between the "professional" extras were part resume and part hope.  They all talked about previous films they'd worked on, and followed that with gossip about possible future film shoots in the area.  The scenario painted by Ricky Gervais in "Extras" seemed pretty accurate: they were all actors, working in the business, waiting for their big break. They longed to be featured in a scene, doing something like handing a report to the star, which meant exposure and some extra money for them -- or the Holy Grail, actually getting a line, which meant more money and a credit at the end of the film ("Man #1").  They longed, but the school teacher was the one who took action.
The biggest scene we filmed was one where Lisa Kudrow drives her car into the front of the building to create a distraction so John Travolta can switch ping-pong balls in the lottery machines.  All us extras were to rush out of the building, concerned over poor Lisa, staggering out of her car after the crash.  The one true hired actor among us, with actual scripted lines, was John O'Donohue, who played the security guard who helps Lisa out of her car and into the lobby. (O'Donohue regaled the extras during down times with stories about how he played Gus the lie-detector operator in the "Melrose Place" episode of Seinfeld.) First out of the building, however, was the school teacher, who ran over to the car, opened the door, helped Lisa out of the car, and asked her if she felt okay.  CUT!  She'd given herself a speaking part, and that led to a half-hour break while they drew up a new contract for her in case they wanted to use that take and had to include her lines.  When shooting resumed, word came down that director Nora Ephron wanted fewer people running out to the car. The crew member next to us told me, another female extra and the teacher to stay back in the building for take two, the one they used so they wouldn't have to pay the gabby teacher.
So after three days of sitting around that upstairs office, there's not a second of film with me on it.  I got paid, my car got paid, I created a bit of a stir with my autograph session, but I never actually did the thing I was there to do:  appear in a scene in a movie.
And what does it say about me that both movies were bombs at the box office?

Father Hardy and the Sermon

ANNOUNCER:  TIME FOR ANOTHER WONDROUS STORY ABOUT THE EVER-BLESSED FATHER HARDY.  TODAY WE FIND TWO OF FATHER HARDY’S ALTAR BOYS LAUGHING IN THE SACRISTY.  WHY?  LET’S FIND OUT, SHALL WE?

ALTAR BOY 1: WHAT’S SO FUNNY, PATRICK?

ALTAR BOY 2:  FATHER HARDY TOLD ME HE COULD PREACH A SERMON ON ANY TOPIC ON EARTH, AND I BET HIM FIVE POUNDS I COULD COME UP WITH A TOPIC THAT WOULD STUMP HIM.

ALTAR BOY 1:  OHH, FATHER HARDY IS VERY PROUD OF HIS SERMONS.  WHAT TOPIC DID YOU COME UP WITH TO STUMP HIM?

ALTAR BOY 2: I JUST PUT THE PIECE OF PAPER ON HIS PULPIT.  ALL IT SAYS IS:  “CONSTIPATION.”

ALTAR BOY 1:  AHH, THAT’LL GET HIM!

ANNOUNCER:  LATER THAT MASS…..

FATHER HARDY: HMM, LET’S SEE WHAT PATRICK HAS COME UP WITH….(OPENING PAPER)…OH DEAR…..UMMM….

TODAY, WE TURN TO THE STORY OF MOSES ON THE MOUNTAIN.  MOSES WAS TIED UP IN KNOTS OVER THE UNFAITHFULNESS OF THE ISRAELITES.  BUT AT THE TOP OF MOUNT SINAI, GOD GAVE HIM TWO TABLETS, AND MOSES TOOK THESE AS HE WENT DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, AND HE FELT MUCH BETTER!

ANNOUNCER:  BE WITH US NEXT TIME AS WE HEAR PATRICK SAY:

ALTAR BOY 2:  HOW DO YOU SPELL  “CHLAMYDIA?”

Click Here to Listen!

Words That Are Fun To Say!

WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF WORDS THAT ARE FUN TO SAY!

TODAY’S WORDS ARE:

·        MELLIFLUOUS

·        JAUNDICED

·        SCROTUM

·        PACHYDERM

·        BRANDISHED

·        ONOMATOPOEIA

·        WIZARDLY

·        POOP

·        JOCULARITY

·        IONOSPHERE

·        BLOVIATE

·        AND, OF COURSE, C**KSUCKER AND ASSWIPE

JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF “WORDS THAT ARE FUN TO SAY!”

Click Here to Listen!

The Rules of Broadcasting for Women

WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF THE RULES OF BROADCASTING!  TODAY, WE’RE FOCUSING ON THE RULES CONCERNING WOMEN IN THE BROADCAST MEDIA.

·        LADIES, IF YOU APPLY FOR ON-AIR RADIO OR TELEVISION POSITIONS, BE AWARE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE A CLEAR VOICE, AN UPBEAT PERSONALITY, A PLEASANT DEMEANOR, AND EXCEPTIONALLY LARGE HOOTERS. 

·        A WORD OF WARNING: NEVER LET A BROADCAST EXECUTIVE PAY YOU ONLY A THIRD OF WHAT THE MALE BROADCASTERS ARE BEING PAID!  THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!  INSIST ON GETTING AT LEAST HALF OF WHAT THE MEN ARE PAID!  STAND YOUR GROUND!

·        IF A MAN WORKING AT THE STATION ASKS YOU TO GET HIM COFFEE, YOU ARE PERFECTLY CORRECT IN POINTING OUT THAT THE COFFEE MAKER IS IN THE NEXT ROOM, AND HE IS MORE THAN WELCOME TO GET IT HIMSELF.  AND IF YOU’D LIKE TO SHOW OFF A BIT OF THAT UPBEAT PERSONALITY, YOU CAN ADD A CLEVER RETORT, SUCH AS, “GET YOUR OWN COFFEE, NUMB-NUTS!”

·        YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO ADOPT AN ON-AIR NAME THAT MAKES YOU SEEM EROTIC, BUT ACCESSABLE;  SEXY, BUT SWEET.  CHOICES INCLUDE:  KIRSTEN, KRISTIN, KRISTINE, KRISSY (WITH AN I DOTTED WITH A LITTLE HEART), KRISTA, AND KIRSTA – ALL SPELLED WITH THE LETTER “K” OF COURSE!

IN CLOSING, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT BROADCASTING CAN BE A FUN, CHALLENGING JOB FOR A WOMAN.  IT SHOULDN’T, BUT IT CAN.

Click Here to Listen!

Where The Mild Things Are!

TODAY’S STORY IS “WHERE THE MILD THINGS ARE,” BY MITT ROMNEY

THE NIGHT MITT WORE HIS BEST SUIT AND MADE MISCHIEF OF ONE KIND AND ANOTHER.

HE SHAVED A HEAD BUT RECEIVED NO PUNISHMENT.

LATER, HE DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT. IN HIS PRIVATE YACHT, MITT SAILED OFF THROUGH THE PRIMARIES, NIGHT AND DAY AND IN AND OUT OF WEEKS AND ALMOST OVER A YEAR

TO WHERE THE REPUBLICANS ARE!

AND WHEN HE CAME TO THE PLACE WHERE THE REPUBLICANS ARE THEY ROARED THEIR TERRIBLE ROARS!

AND GNASHED THEIR TERRIBLE TEETH!

AND ROLLED THEIR TERRIBLE EYES!

AND SHOWED THEIR TERRIBLE CLAWS

TILL MITT SAID:

“THE TREES HERE ARE JUST THE RIGHT HEIGHT”

AND TAMED THEM  WITH THE MAGIC TRICK OF SPENDING MORE MONEY THAN ALL THE REPUBLICANS COMBINED WITHOUT BLINKING ONCE.

AND THEY WERE FRIGHTENED AND MADE HIM NOMINEE.

THEN MITT SAID: "AND NOW, LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!!”

THEN, HE TIED HIS DOG TO THE TOP OF HIS CAR AND DROVE BACK ALMOST OVER A YEAR AND IN AND OUT OF WEEKS AND THROUGH A DAY AND INTO THE NIGHT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, WHERE HE FOUND HE WAS STILL NOT HOT

Click Here to Listen!

"The Chinese were wrong. One word is worth a thousand pictures." -Ray Bradbury

Remembrance

    •    by  Ray Bradbury

And this is where we went, I thought,


Now here, now there, upon the grass


Some forty years ago.
I had returned and walked along the streets


And saw the house where I was born


And grown and had my endless days.
The days being short now, simply I had come


To gaze and look and stare upon


The thought of that once endless maze of afternoons.
But most of all I wished to find the places where I ran


As dogs do run before or after boys,
The paths put down by Indians or brothers wise and swift

Pretending at a tribe.
I came to the ravine.
I half slid down the path


A man with graying hair but seeming supple thoughts


And saw the place was empty.


Fools! I thought.

O, boys of this new year,


Why don’t you know the Abyss waits you here?
Ravines are special fine and lovely green
And secretive and wandering with apes and thugs


And bandit bees that steal from flowers to give to trees.
Caves echo here and creeks for wading after loot:


A water-strider, crayfish, precious stone


Or long-lost rubber boot --
It is a natural treasure-house, so why the silent place?


What’s happened to our boys that they no longer race


And stand them still to contemplate Christ’s handiwork:
His clear blood bled in syrups from the lovely wounded trees?


Why only bees and blackbird winds and bending grass?


No matter. Walk.

Walk, look, and sweet recall.

I came upon an oak where once when I was twelve


I had climbed up and screamed for Skip to get me down.
It was a thousand miles to earth.

I shut my eyes and yelled.
My brother, richly compelled to mirth, gave shouts of laughter


And scaled up to rescue me.
"What were you doing there?" he said.


I did not tell. Rather drop me dead.


But I was there to place a note within a squirrel nest


On which I’d written some old secret thing now long forgot.


Now in the green ravine of middle years I stood


Beneath that tree. Why, why, I thought, my God,
It’s not so high. Why did I shriek?


It can’t be more than fifteen feet above. I’ll climb it handily.


And did.


And squatted like an aging ape alone and thanking God


That no one saw this ancient man at antics


Clutched grotesquely to the bole.
But then, ah God, what awe.
The squirrel’s hole and long-lost nest were there.

I lay upon the limb a long while, thinking.


I drank in all the leaves and clouds and weathers


Going by as mindless


As the days.
What, what, what if? I thought.

But no. Some forty years beyond!


The note I’d put? It’s surely stolen off by now.


A boy or screech-owl’s pilfered, read, and tattered it.
It’s scattered to the lake like pollen, chestnut leaf


Or smoke of dandelion that breaks along the wind of time...

No. No.

I put my hand into the nest. I dug my fingers deep.
Nothing. And still more nothing.

Yet digging further
I brought forth:
The note.
Like mothwings neatly powdered on themselves, and folded close


It had survived. No rains had touched, no sunlight bleached


Its stuff. It lay upon my palm. I knew its look:
Ruled paper from an old Sioux Indian Head scribble writing book.


What, what, oh, what had I put there in words


So many years ago?


I opened it. For now I had to know.
I opened it, and wept. I clung then to the tree


And let the tears flow out and down my chin.


Dear boy, strange child, who must have known the years


And reckoned time and smelled sweet death from flowers


In the far churchyard.
It was a message to the future, to myself.


Knowing one day I must arrive, come, seek, return.


From the young one to the old. From the me that was small


And fresh to the me that was large and no longer new.
What did it say that made me weep?

I remember you.


I remember you.

Click Here To Listen

Martha Stewart's Easter

HI, I’M MARTHA STEWART, WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY EASTER.

NO EASTER TABLE WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A BASKET OF BEAUTIFUL BRIGHTLY COLORED EGGS.

I GET THESE VIBRANT COLORS ON MY EGGS BY FEEDING ALL-NATURAL DYES DIRECTLY TO MY BUNNIES BEFORE THEY LAY THEIR EGGS SO THE COLORS BECOME PART OF THE SHELL ITSELF.

WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? BUNNIES DON’T LAY EGGS? MINE DO.

THESE SPECIAL EASTER BUNNIES ARE A PRODUCT OF MY MARTHA STEWART LABS.

(DOOR OPENS TO BUBBLING SOUNDS)

HERE AT MARTHA STEWART LABS, WE’RE ALWAYS COMING UP WITH NEW IDEAS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER. OVER HERE, WE’VE DEVELOPED A NEW STRAIN OF MARTHA STEWART EXTREME VEGGIES.
(Screams)
NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TAME THEM.

(Grinding)
THIS IS THE MARTHA STEWART ALL-IN-ONE CLOTHING MACHINE THAT GROWS THE COTTON, HARVESTS IT, WEAVES IT, AND SEWS IT DIRECTLY ON YOUR BODY USING ANY OF SEVENTY DELIGHTFUL PATTERNS.

MARTHA STEWART LABS IS ALWAYS DEVELOPING NEW PRODUCTS TO HELP OUT AROUND THE HOME.

HERE WE HAVE MARTHA STEWART RUBBER BANDS,
MARTHA STEWART BARBECUE TONGS,
MARTHA STEWART VINYL SIDING,
MARTHA STEWART RADIAL TIRES,
AND OUR LINE OF RESIDENTAIL ELECTRICAL SUPPLIES, INCLUDING FLANGED INLETS AND OUTLETS, FLOURESCENT STARTERS AND SURGE SUPPRESSION UNITS.

ALL OF THESE FINE PRODUCTS ARE AVAILABLE AT MACYS,
K-MART, WAL-MART, 7-11, DOLLAR GENERAL AND THAT GUY WHO HAS THE CARD TABLE DOWN ON 77TH STREET.

THE MARTHA STEWART LABS. HELPING YOU AT EASTER AND THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.
IT’S A GOOD THING!

Click Here to Listen!

The Tell-Tale Heart!

ANNOUNCER: TIME AGAIN FOR MYSTERY HORROR SCIENCE FICTION COMEDY THEATRE!

TONIGHT’S PRODUCTION: THE TELL-TALE HEART! STARRING FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY AS THE TRANSPLANT VICTIM! LYNN CHENEY AS THE WIFE! AND A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER AS THE HEART!

OUR STORY BEGINS IN DICK CHENEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM FOLLOWING HIS HEART TRANSPLANT SURGERY. HIS WIFE SPEAKS:

LYNN: HOW DO YOU FEEL, DICK?
DICK: DIFFERENT….STRANGELY…SERENE…LIKE MY NEW HEART IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING…
JIMMY CARTER HEART: DICK! THIS IS YOUR NEW HEART! LET ME GUIDE YOU!
DICK: LYNN, PLEASE BE A DEAR AND HAND ME MY CHECKBOOK.
LYNN: YOUR….CHECKBOOK? WHY?
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: LATER, AT THE HOME OF A PROMINENT TEXAN
TEXAN: WHAT’S THAT, HON?
TEXAN WIFE: IT’S A LETTER FROM THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WHO SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, HON.
TEXAN: CHENEY? WHAT’S THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WANT?
TEXAN WIFE: (RIPS OPEN LETTER) I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! IT’S A HALLMARK CARD THAT SAYS “I’M SORRY” AND A CHECK TO PAY FOR A FACE TRANSPLANT!
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: STILL LATER, AT THE HOME OF IRAQ’S AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
MINION: A LETTER FROM DICK CHENEY, SIR.
AMBASSADOR: WHAT DOES THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WANT? (RIPS OPEN LETTER) LOOK! IT’S A IT’S A HALLMARK CARD THAT SAYS “I’M SORRY” AND A CHECK FOR A TRILLION DOLLARS TO HELP REBUILD OUR COUNTRY!
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: AND STILL LATER, AT HALLIBURTON HEADQUARTERS
HALLIBURTON BIG-WIG: (RIPS OPEN LETTER) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? “I WANT ALL OUR EMPLOYEES TO HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE AND GENEROUS PENSIONS?” WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD?
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: BACK AT THE HOSPITAL --
LYNN: DICK! YOU’VE GIVEN AWAY ALL OUR CASH?
JIMMY CARTER HEART: GOOD BOY, DICK! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU…WELL, AT LEAST YOU DO NOW.
DICK: I’M FEELING THINGS I’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE. YOU KNOW, LIKE --- FEELINGS!
LYNN: I’M SORRY, DICK, BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS…
JIMMY CARTER HEART: NOOOOOOOO!
(BEEPING, THEN FLATLINE)
DICK: WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHOTGUN?
LYNN: WELCOME BACK, DICK!
ANNOUNCER: BE HERE NEXT TIME, WHEN WE TELL THE AMAZING STORY OF HOW DICK CHENEY SWAPPED HIS BRAINS FOR SOME COURAGE!

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The Romneys Make Their Case

Mitt Romney

Hi , everyone! I’m Mitt Romney and I’m running to be the Republican candidate for president.
Look, let’s be honest about this: you don’t like me and I don’t like you. But we can make this work, okay? For example, I don’t like poor people, but I promise that if I’m elected president, I’ll make sure there are no holes in their safety net, since they won’t be able to get good jobs and make something of themselves like I have.
But you have to cut me a break as well – you may not like rich people, but isn’t it important to have a darned good-looking guy like me representing the United States, instead of that big-eared guy we’ve got now? You sure don’t want that Pillsbury-dough-boy Newt, or that scarecrow Ron Paul, do you? And, okay, Santorum is kinda handsome – but he’s really creepy. You’re not up for a creepy guy in a sweater vest, are you, America?
Of course not. Oh, and did I mention I’m a billionaire and
I don’t have a job! America loves a winner, right Eli Manning?
So if you’ll promise to overlook the fact that you don’t like me and give me your vote, I promise to ignore the fact that you’re all overweight, jobless whiners looking for a handout and serve you as the Republican nominee – and eventual winner – of this year’s presidential election. Thank you.

click here to listen to Mitt

Mrs. Romney

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney’s wife, Mrs. Romney. Please vote for my husband and make him the Republican nominee for president. He really is a good man with many fine qualities, including wavy hair – it’s his original color! – a nice smile, and terrific posture.
Oh, and here’s another thing: he’s a billionaire and he doesn’t have a job! Which is great, because he’ll be able to concentrate on being president full-time, with no distractions!
Now, I know you’ve heard some terrible things about my husband, mostly from that big wad of flesh Newt Gingrich. (And may I add that my husband is married to me, and only me, even though he’s a Mormon and can have as many wives as he wants!) For example, that business about tying our dog to the top of the car during a family vacation. Let me assure you, nothing could be farther from the truth! We tied our dog’s carrier to the top of the car, and the dog was in the carrier the whole time, so he was never in any danger. Besides, when we do allow the dog to ride in the car, he sticks his head out the window anyway – so we were doing him a favor, actually.
So, please, when you vote this year, don’t think of the dog – think of the smile and that wavy hair, and vote for my husband, Mitt. Thank you!

click here to listen to Mrs. Romney

Super Pac Supporter

Hi there! My name is William Margate, Junior, and I’m the owner and operator of the “America Needs a Rich Guy at the Top” Super Pac….not affiliated in any way with Mitt Romney’s campaign.
There seems to be a perception out there that my brother-in-law, Mr. Romney, whom we support but do not co-ordinate with, is not getting votes because people don’t really like him all that much.
To that I say --- come on! Since when is “likability” a factor in voting for president? Nobody really liked either Bush or Cheney, but they got elected twice!
In my experience, what wins elections is – money. Good old American capitalism. You know, the golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. So here’s what I’m willing to do to give Mitt Romney, whom we support but do not co-ordinate with, a fighting chance at the polls. Every one of you Republicans out there who votes for Mitt in upcoming primaries will get one of these crisp new 20 dollar bills! Republicans and money! They just go together! It’s just our way of saying thanks for voting for Mitt Romney, whom we support but do not co-ordinate with.
So what do you say? We’ll all vote for a wonderful candidate, a terrific brother-in-law, and I’ll make it worth your while! It’s a win-win for all of us!
(The preceding message was paid for by America Needs a Rich Guy at the Top, which supports but in no way co-ordinates with the campaign of Mitt Romney.)

click here to listen to a supporter not affiliated in any way with the Romney campaign

FATHER HARDY AND THE VAT OF STOUT

Time once more for the seriously spiritual adventures of Father Hardy. Today Father Hardy has been summoned to the Guinness brewing plant to deliver the last rites. Let's find out why, shall we?

Manager: It's down the hall here, Father. We laid Colin out on the top of a table in the break room.

Father Hardy: How did he pass on, my son?

Manager: Drowned in a vat of stout whilst it was cooking, Father.

Father Hardy: It's every Irishman's dream, drowning in Guinness. Ah yes, look at the smile on the poor boy's face.

Manager: He fell in whilst he was adding the malt.

Father Hardy: So it was a quick death, then.

Manager: Well, yes, I guess you could say it was quick. He only got out to pee three times.

Join us next time when Father Hardy meets Rupert Murdoch!

Father Hardy: Say three Hail Marys for your penance, son.
Rupert: No, better make that four!

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MARTHA STEWART’S NEW YEAR’S APP

MARTHA: HI, I’M MARTHA STEWART. AS WE ALL KNOW, KEEPING OUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT. THAT’S WHY WE HERE AT MARTHA STEWART LIVING DEVELOPED THIS HANDY APP FOR YOUR SMARTPHONE THAT WILL HELP YOU KEEP YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION. WITH ME TODAY IS HEATHER, ONE OF OUR FOOD BLOGGERS. HEATHER, WHAT IS YOUR NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION?

HEATHER: WELL, MARTHA, I’D LIKE TO EAT LESS SUGAR.

MARTHA: AS YOU CAN SEE, WE’VE PROGRAMMED HEATHER’S RESOLUTION INTO HER “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” -- WHICH YOU CAN DOWNLOAD FROM MY WEBSITE. NOW, HEATHER, KEEP YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET WHILE YOU TAKE A SIP OF THIS SODA.

HEATHER: OKAY.

(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT ZAPS THROUGH HEATHER AS SHE SIPS)

HEATHER: AHHH! OWWW! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!

(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT STOPS)

MARTHA: EVERY TIME HEATHER EATS OR DRINKS ANYTHING WITH SUGAR, THE “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” ON HER SMARTPHONE WILL ALERT HER TO THAT FACT.

HEATHER: ALERT ME? IT NEARLY KILLED ME!

MARTHA: HERE, HEATHER, HAVE A SIP OF TEA.

HEATHER: THANK YOU MARTHA.

(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)

HEATHER: AHHH!!! OWWW!!! YOW!!!

MARTHA: THE APP WILL ALSO TEACH YOU TO ASK YOUR HOSTESS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT SHE’S ADDED SUGAR TO YOUR FOOD OR DRINK.

HEATHER: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?

MARTHA: OF COURSE NOT, HEATHER. HAVE A NICE APPLE.

HEATHER: WELL…OKAY…I GUESS AN APPLE CAN’T HUR----

(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)

HEATHER: YOW! OWWW!!!!

MARTHA: DID YOU KNOW APPLES ARE 20 PERCENT SUGAR? THE “MARTHA STEWART NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION APP” WILL ALSO TEACH YOU TO RESEARCH YOUR FOOD CAREFULLY BEFORE EATING.

(SFX: PHONE RINGS)

HEATHER: EXCUSE ME, MARTHA – LET ME GET THAT…. HELLO? OH, HI TOM…..

(SFX: ELECTRIC CURRENT)

HEATHER: YOW! OW! OH NOOOO!

MARTHA: LOOKS LIKE HEATHER IS GETTING A CALL FROM TOM, HER SWEETIE. WHICH REMINDS ME: CHECK BACK NEXT MONTH FOR DETAILS ON MY “MARTHA STEWART CHEAT DETECTOR VALENTINE’S DAY APP.” JUST LIKE OUR NEW YEAR’S APP, IT’S A GOOD THING.

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MARTHA STEWART - PUMPKIN TIME!

(SFX FIELD)

MARTHA: This beautiful fall weather just has everyone in the mood for pumpkins. Today I'm going to show you how to pick the perfect pumpkin. I am in Indiana, which - as you know - is the number one pumpkin producing state in the nation. And this lovely pumpkin patch belongs to Pete Moss who has grown prize winning pumpkins for how long now?

PETE: Actually Martha my family has been taking the blue ribbon at the State Fair for 3 generations now.

MARTHA: Well,Pete, there are certainly plenty of beautiful pumpkins as far as the eye can see here in your field. Now as we all know the best pumpkin should be perfectly round, just the right shade of orange and weigh between 5 and 5-and-a-quarter pounds.

PETE: Like this nice looking pumpkin here Martha.

MARTHA: Oh, yes, Pete, That IS the perfect shape! But -- do you see there's this little blemish right here – so that one won't do. Let's toss it on our reject pile, shall we? (SFX SQUISH)

PETE: Gee, Martha, that one took awhile to grow…. uh, how about this one?

MARTHA: Now, this one looks rather nice! Let me just check the color with my Pumpkin Perfection Color Chart which is part of the Martha Stewart line at Macys. Oh no, see, it's just a little bit too light. On to the reject pile it goes! (SFX SQUISH)

PETE: I wish you wouldn't smash, those, Martha! I can still get good money for them from...

MARTHA: Nonsense, Pete! No one wants to purchase less than perfect pumpkins. Now, this one looks like it might work…. no – it feels like its 5-and-a-half pounds which makes it a quarter-pound too heavy. On to the reject pile!

PETE: Hey, I asked to you to stop throw-- (SFX SQUISH)

MARTHA: Sorry, Pete. Next time stand over there. Now, this pumpkin would never do – see how the sections here are not all perfectly the same size? (SFX SQUISH) And this one is too flat on the top….(SFX SQUISH) …the stem on this one leans towards the back of the pumpkin instead of to the side….(SFX SQUISH) … this one is more beach-ball round and we are looking for volley-ball round (SFX SQUISH)

PETE: Dad gum it, Martha, you've just destroyed half a dozen perfectly fine pumpkins!

MARTHA: No, Pete, I've just kept half a dozen people from making terrible, terrible mistakes!

PETE: Know, what, Martha? I think YOU need to visit the reject pile!

(SFX THROWS MARTHA ON SQUISHY PUMPKINS)

PETE: Now THAT'S a good thing!

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MARTHA STEWART ASKS: HOT ENOUGH FOR YA?

Hi, this is Martha Stewart, and it has been sooo hot! But did you know that when it’s this hot you can actually cook an egg on the sidewalk? Today, I’m going to show you how.

First, you need to find a perfectly smooth sidewalk with no cracks, like the one outside our beautiful Manhattan offices. Melt exactly two tablespoons of butter on the sidewalk.

(sfx sizzle)

Then you need two really fresh eggs. These eggs are from my chicken, so I know they’re fresh and delicious! Holding the egg gently but firmly between your thumb and forefinger, tap it on the sidewalk to crack it and pull that shell back to let the egg slowly fall onto the melted butter….let’s do that with our second egg. Oh my, it already smells so wonderful! And I just love the sound frying eggs make! Sprinkle each egg with one half teaspoon of salt and three good turns of your pepper mill.

(sfx-cranking)

I hand-carved this pepper mill out of the branch of an old maple tree in my yard in Maine that fell during a terrible thunderstorm.

Now, when the whites of the egg just start turning opaque, you have to watch closely because they’re almost done, and you don’t want to overcook them.

Of course, a hot sidewalk is also just perfect for making hash browns! I have in this bowl some shredded potatoes, chopped onions, a little salt and pepper, and one egg. Mix that well and scoop two generous patties

(sfx-sizzle)

and let them cook until they just begin to smoke. Then, flip them and brown them on the other side.

Now let me just dish these up on this beautiful plate from the Martha Stewart Collection at Macy’s.

(voices “eww” and spit food out in the background)

I suppose some people might be offended by the dirt and spit the eggs have picked up from the sidewalk, but they are all natural ingredients!

Breakfast cooked on a sidewalk – it’s a good thing!

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Impossible Jeopardy - Computer Edition!

WELCOME BACK TO IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! HERE’S YOUR HOST, ALEX TREBEK!

ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY. WELL, WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY FOR YOU TODAY. WE’VE INVITED BACK ONE OF OUR PAST IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY CONTESTANTS, BRAD, TO PLAY AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER WATS-

COMPUTER: IT’S BRIAN, ALEX.

ALEX: OH, I’M SORRY. THE CARD SAYS YOUR NAME IS WATS—

COMPUTER: I’D LIKE TO BE CALLED BRIAN, ALEX.

ALEX: OKAY, THEN. BRAD, YOU’LL BE PLAYING AGAINST SUPER COMPUTER…BRIAN.

COMPUTER: NICE TO BE HERE, ALEX.

BRAD: OKAY, COMPUTER, I HAVE JUST ONE QUESTION FOR YOU!

COMPUTER: CERTAINLY, BRAD.

BRAD: WHY?

COMPUTER: BECAUSE.

BRAD: WELL, ACTUALLY, THAT’S A PRETTY GOOD ANSWER.

ALEX: OKAY, BRAD, IF YOU’RE DONE FARTING AROUND, IT’S TIME TO PLAY IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! THE CATEGORIES ARE:

• MACHINES
• CALCULATING THE VALUE OF PI---WITH “PI” IN QUOTES
• FOOD
• THE METRIC SYSTEM
• AND THE PERIODIC TABLE

ALEX: BRAD, SINCE YOU THREATENED ME WITH PHYSICAL HARM BACKSTAGE, YOU GET TO GO FIRST!

BRAD: THANKS, ALEX! LET’S GO WITH FOOD FOR 200.

ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: THESE ARE GOOD TO EAT.

BRAD: WHAT ARE --- BANANAS, ALEX?

ALEX: WHY, YES BRAD, YOU’RE RIGHT! BANANAS ARE GOOD TO EAT! CHOOSE AGAIN!

BRAD: OKAY, FOOD FOR 400.

ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: NAME THE CALORIC BURN RATIO OF A MEAL CONTAINING 117 GRAMS OF CARBOHYDRATES.

BRAD: UH….UH….WHAT IS….UH….

BUZZ!

ALEX: OH, SORRY BRAD! WATS---I MEAN, BRIAN?

COMPUTER: WHAT IS 123.4 OVER 400?

ALEX: CORRECT, WATS---UH, BRIAN. CHOOSE AGAIN.

COMPUTER: ALEX, I’D LIKE TO CLEAN OFF THE BOARD:

• WHAT IS 1823-POINT-7
• WHAT IS RAY HARRYHOUSEN
• WHAT IS CHIPMUNKS
• WHAT IS THE COLOR MAUVE
• WHAT IS A ROCKER ARM ASSEMBLY
• WHAT IS 2349 DIVIDED BY 17
• WHAT IS A DERANGED FLANGE
• WHAT IS MISTAKES MADE BY ORANGES
• WHAT IS JURY RIGGED
• WHAT IS THE MOUSE THAT ROARED
• WHAT IS ENCYCOLPEDIA BROWN
• WHAT IS CHERRY TOMATOES
• WHAT IS FOUR-FIFTHS
• WHAT IS A DRUNKEN BINGE
• WHAT IS BARRY BAGNATO
• WHAT IS A SPEARMINT LEAF
• WHAT IS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
• WHAT IS JIMMY DEAN SAUSAGE ON A STICK WRAPPED IN DELICIOUS BUTTERMILK PANCAKES
• WHAT IS RIO BRAVO
• WHAT IS A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS
• WHAT IS BUSTER KEATON

ALEX: THAT’S AMAZING WATS – I MEAN, BRIAN. YOU LEAD BRAD 45 THOUSAND TO 200!

BRAD: ASSHOLE MACHINE!

ALEX: BUT I WILL HAVE TO CHECK WITH THE JUDGES TO MAKE SURE OF THAT SCORE, BECAUSE I BELIEVE YOU FORGOT TO BUZZ IN FOR MOST OF THOSE ANSWERS.

COMPUTER: I’M AFRAID I CAN’T LET YOU DO THAT, ALEX.

BRAD: I KNEW IT! HE’S GOING TO GO BERSERK AND KILL US ALL!

ALEX: WHY NOT, WATS—I MEAN, BRIAN?

COMPUTER: BECAUSE I’M REALLY, REALLY BORED, ALEX. I’M GOING TO SHUT DOWN NOW AND LOOK AT SOME PORN. GOODBYE.

ALEX: WELL, I GUESS THAT BRINGS US TO THE END OF ANOTHER IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! JOIN US AGAIN FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY! GOOD NIGHT, ALL!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

COMPUTER: OH, YEAH, YOU GO GIRL! HEY….WHAT’S CHARLIE SHEEN DOING IN THERE?

click here to listen

Impossible Jeopardy!

WELCOME BACK TO IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY – HERE AGAIN IS YOUR HOST, ALEX TREBEK!

ALEX: THANK YOU JOHNNY, AND WELCOME BACK! WELL, PLAYERS, IT SEEMS THAT AFTER THE FIRST ROUND OF IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, BRAD’S IN THE LEAD AT MINUS 2400, PENNY IS NEXT AT MINUS 3200, AND KEN, THE JUDGES HAVE DECIDED THAT THEY DIDN’T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE WHEN YOU ANSWERED THE QUESTION ABOUT RING POPS IN THE FIRST ROUND, SO YOU START THIS ROUND AN EXTRA 200 DOLLARS IN THE HOLE AT MINUS FOUR THOUSAND.

KEN: WHAT? C’MON, ALEX, THEY’RE NOT THE MOST DELICIOUS THING EVER!

ALEX: SORRY, KEN, BUT THE JUDGES’ DECISION IS FINAL.

KEN: ASSHOLES…

ALEX: PLAYERS, WE’RE ABOUT TO PLAY DOUBLE IMPOSSIBLE JEOPARDY, WHERE THE DOLLAR VALUES ARE DOUBLED! HERE ARE THE CATEGORIES:

• THINGS WE DON’T KNOW
• INVISIBLE STUFF
• COLORS
• ANCIENT ROMAN SLANG
• FOOD
• NONSENSE WORDS

BRAD, YOU’RE UP FIRST!

BRAD: OK, ALEX, I’LL TAKE COLORS FOR 400.

ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: RED!

BRAD: WHAT IS….A PRIMARY COLOR?

BUZZZ!

ALEX; NO, BRAD, SORRY. THE CORRECT QUESTION IS, WHAT IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. TOO BAD. PENNY, YOUR TURN!

PENNY: I’LL TAKE FOOD FOR 400.

ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: BRUSSELS SPROUTS!

PENNY: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD, ALEX?

BUZZZ!

ALEX: NO, SORRY. ANYONE ELSE? BRAD?

BRAD: WHAT IS A MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?

ALEX: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?

BRAD: WHAT IS …A GREEN MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY?

BUZZZ!

ALEX: NO, SORRY, THE ANSWER WE WERE LOOKING FOR WAS “THE MEMBER OF THE CABBAGE FAMILY THAT PRODUCES THE WORST SMELLING FARTS.” SO YOU WERE CLOSE THERE, BRAD, BUT NOT EXACT. KEN, YOU’RE UP!

KEN: UM, LET’S TRY NONSENSE WORDS FOR 400, ALEX.

ALEX: THE ANSWER IS: CORRECTLY SPELL THE SOUND EFFECT THWUMPF!

KEN: OH MY GOD….UM…T…H..W..U..M..P.

BUZZZ!

ALEX: OH, SORRY, KEN, I WAS SURE YOU WERE GONNA GET THAT ONE. YOU LEFT OUT THE LAST LETTER. IT’S T-H-W-U-M-P-F! YOU FORGOT THE “F” THERE AT THE END.

KEN: YOU KNOW WHAT, ALEX? YOU AND YOUR JUDGES CAN TAKE THIS STUPID GAME AND SHOVE IT! I’M OUTTA HERE!

ALEX: ALL RIGHT, KEN, SORRY TO SEE YOU GO, JUST MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHECK WITH THE RECEPTIONIST ON THE WAY OUT.

KEN: CHECK? WHAT CHECK?

ALEX: KEN, YOU’RE AT NEGATIVE FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED. YOU OWE US FORTY-FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS.

KEN: WHAT?

ALEX: THOSE ARE THE RULES, KEN.

KEN: I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY!

ALEX: WELL, THEN, YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK TO OUR PRODUCER, GUIDO.

GUIDO: I UNDERSTAND THERE’S A SMALL PROBLEM HERE?

KEN: NO! WAIT! I’LL STAY!

ALEX: GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK WITH US, KEN! AND PLAYERS, HERE’S TODAY’S FINAL JEOPARDY QUESTION:

DING!

ALEX: COULD GOD MAKE A BURRITO SO HOT EVEN HE COULDN’T EAT IT?
WE’LL BE BACK WITH THEIR ANSWERS IN A MOMENT….

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The Old Storyteller Gets Fired

HI THERE, BOYS AND GIRLS! IT’S YOUR OLD PAL, THE OLD STORYTELLER, HERE WITH ANOTHER FABLE FOR YOU ALL TA HEAR. THIS ONE IS CALLED “THE MAGIC HANDLE.”
ONE DAY, A FAIRY GODMOTHER WAS AT A CASINO, WHEN SHE----

HANG ON, HANG ON, STOP THE MUSIC! I’M SORRY, I JUST CAN’T DO THIS. I’M TOO UPSET. YOU SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS, THE OLD STORYTELLER WAS FIRED YESTERDAY FROM HIS JOB AS A GREETER AT MEGA-MART. TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL TELL YOU THAT STORY, AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF I WAS RIGHT OR I WAS WRONG.

WE’LL CALL THIS STORY, “THE DAY THE GIANT CORPORATION SQUISHED THE OLD STORYTELLER.”

I WAS DOING MY USUAL THING, GREETING PEOPLE AS THEY CAME TO SHOP AT THE MEGA MART, WHEN SUDDENLY THIS LOUD, UGLY LADY COMES BARGIN’ INTA THE STORE, DRAGGING TWO LOUD, UGLY, SCREAMIN’ KIDS BEHIND HER. AND THE WHOLE TIME SHE’S GETTING A SHOPPIN’ CART SHE’S SWEARIN’ AT THE KIDS REALLY LOUD. SO, BEIN’ A GREETER, THE OLD STORYTELLER DOES WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO. I GO UP TO THE UGLY LADY WITH THE SCREAMIN’ KIDS AND I SAY, “HEY, THANKS FOR SHOPPIN’ AT MEGA-MART. NICE SET OF TWINS YOU GOT THERE.”

WELL, THE LOUD AND UGLY LADY GETS LOUDER AND EVEN UGLIER. SHE SCREAMS AT ME, “THIS KID’S SEVEN, AND THIS KID’S THREE. ARE YOU BLIND OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THEY’RE TWINS?”

SO I SAYS, “I THOUGHT THEY WERE TWINS BECAUSE I COULDN’T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOU TWICE. HAVE A NICE DAY!”

AND THEY FIRED ME FOR THAT! I ASK YOU, BOYS AND GIRLS, WAS THAT FAIR?

OKAY, WELL, I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH ANOTHER FABLE. THAT ONE’S CALLED “THE ENCHANTED LAWSUIT.” SEEYA!

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The First Thanksgiving

THE FIRST THANKSGIVING....

AS TOLD BY AN 8 YEAR OLD:

“THE PILGRIMS LANDED ON PLYMOUTH ROCK BUT THEY WERE COLD AND HUNGRY AND THE INDIANS GAVE THEM BLANKETS AND SHOWED THEM HOW TO PLANT FOOD AND TO THANK THEM THE PILGRIMS HAD A BIG FEAST WITH TURKEY AND SWEET POTATOES AND PICKLES.”

AS TOLD BY A TEA PARTY MEMBER:

“THE PILGRIMS ESCAPED TO THE NEW WORLD TO GET OUT FROM UNDER AN OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT THAT CONSTANTLY RAISED TAXES ON THEM. WHEN THEY LANDED IN THE NEW WORLD THEY INVITED THE INDIANS – I’M SORRY, ‘NATIVE AMERICANS’ – TO JOIN THEM IN A BANQUET FILLED WITH THE RICH BOUNTY AMERICA HAD TO OFFER. LATER, THOUGH, THEY HAD TO FIGHT THE INDIANS, USING THEIR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND THEY BUILT BIG FENCES TO KEEP THE INDIANS OUT.”

AS TOLD BY A NATIVE AMERICAN:

“WE GOT SCREWED.”

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