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Monday, April 9, 2012

The Tell-Tale Heart!

ANNOUNCER: TIME AGAIN FOR MYSTERY HORROR SCIENCE FICTION COMEDY THEATRE!

TONIGHT’S PRODUCTION: THE TELL-TALE HEART! STARRING FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY AS THE TRANSPLANT VICTIM! LYNN CHENEY AS THE WIFE! AND A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER AS THE HEART!

OUR STORY BEGINS IN DICK CHENEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM FOLLOWING HIS HEART TRANSPLANT SURGERY. HIS WIFE SPEAKS:

LYNN: HOW DO YOU FEEL, DICK?
DICK: DIFFERENT….STRANGELY…SERENE…LIKE MY NEW HEART IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING…
JIMMY CARTER HEART: DICK! THIS IS YOUR NEW HEART! LET ME GUIDE YOU!
DICK: LYNN, PLEASE BE A DEAR AND HAND ME MY CHECKBOOK.
LYNN: YOUR….CHECKBOOK? WHY?
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ANNOUNCER: LATER, AT THE HOME OF A PROMINENT TEXAN
TEXAN: WHAT’S THAT, HON?
TEXAN WIFE: IT’S A LETTER FROM THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WHO SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, HON.
TEXAN: CHENEY? WHAT’S THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WANT?
TEXAN WIFE: (RIPS OPEN LETTER) I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! IT’S A HALLMARK CARD THAT SAYS “I’M SORRY” AND A CHECK TO PAY FOR A FACE TRANSPLANT!
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ANNOUNCER: STILL LATER, AT THE HOME OF IRAQ’S AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
MINION: A LETTER FROM DICK CHENEY, SIR.
AMBASSADOR: WHAT DOES THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WANT? (RIPS OPEN LETTER) LOOK! IT’S A IT’S A HALLMARK CARD THAT SAYS “I’M SORRY” AND A CHECK FOR A TRILLION DOLLARS TO HELP REBUILD OUR COUNTRY!
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ANNOUNCER: AND STILL LATER, AT HALLIBURTON HEADQUARTERS
HALLIBURTON BIG-WIG: (RIPS OPEN LETTER) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? “I WANT ALL OUR EMPLOYEES TO HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE AND GENEROUS PENSIONS?” WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD?
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ANNOUNCER: BACK AT THE HOSPITAL --
LYNN: DICK! YOU’VE GIVEN AWAY ALL OUR CASH?
JIMMY CARTER HEART: GOOD BOY, DICK! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU…WELL, AT LEAST YOU DO NOW.
DICK: I’M FEELING THINGS I’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE. YOU KNOW, LIKE --- FEELINGS!
LYNN: I’M SORRY, DICK, BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS…
JIMMY CARTER HEART: NOOOOOOOO!
(BEEPING, THEN FLATLINE)
DICK: WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHOTGUN?
LYNN: WELCOME BACK, DICK!
ANNOUNCER: BE HERE NEXT TIME, WHEN WE TELL THE AMAZING STORY OF HOW DICK CHENEY SWAPPED HIS BRAINS FOR SOME COURAGE!

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