Things To Do:

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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Michele Bachmann Campaign Tweets

HI I'M MICHELE BACHMANN AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THESE WONDERFUL UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. IF YOU HONOR ME BY ELECTING ME TO OFFICE I PROMISE THAT I WILL PUT AN END TO MARRIAGE

SORRY, RAN OUT OF LETTERS…AS I WAS TWEETING, I WILL PUT AN END TO MARRIAGE BETWEEN PEOPLE OF THE SAME SEX. ALSO, AS YOUR PRESIDENT, IF YOU ELECT ME I PROMISE THAT I WILL ENCOURAGE PORNOGRAPHY

SORRY, RAN OUT OF LETTERS AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, I WILL ENCOURAGE PORNOGRAPHY-BUSTING AGENCIES TO PUT THOSE SLIMY GOOD-FOR-NOTHINGS OUT OF BUSINESS. SO PLEASE VOTE FOR ME MICHELE BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT. I PROMISE I WILL DO NOTHING

SORRY AGAIN…I PROMISE I WILL DO NOTHING BUT GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY. THANK YOU. PLEASE VOTE FOR ME FOR PRESIDENT. OH, I HAVE SOME LETTERS LEFT. MAYBE I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT MY PLAN TO KILL DEMOCRATS'

CHANCES IN THE 2012 ELECTIONS.

Rupert Murdock Taps The Phones

(Phone dials, rings)

Official: Mr. President, we may have to attack the compound.
President: But that might cause an international incident. I’ll have to look at all the alternatives.
Rupert: Alternatives, schmalternatives!

Rupert Murdoch, tapping into phones to solve the world’s problems!

Rupert: Bomb the ‘ell out of ‘em, I say!

No problem is too small for the Murdoch touch!

Son: Daddy, I got a B plus on my test!
Dad: That’s great, Bobby!
Rupert: Shoulda been an A!

Woman: I don’t know whether to go with the red dress or the yellow dress.
Rupert: Get the red! Yellow makes ya look fat!

Rupert Murdoch cuts through the crap to give you the answers you need!

Man: Doctor, I’m feeling nauseous and my eyes have turned yellow.
Doctor: Nothing to worry about, Mr. Plimpton. Come in to the office tomorrow and we’ll have a look.
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re dyin’ mate!
Man: Doctor! Am I dying??
Doctor: Of course you aren’t, Mr. Plimpton! Who is this?
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re a quack! Bad doctor alert! Quack! Quack!

Rupert Murdock – solving problems on a phone near you – whether you like it or not!

Man: Yeah, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza.
Rupert: No, you want sausage.


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Father Hardy and the Hooker

Time once more to visit with the blessedly-religious Father Hardy as he talks with parishoners after mass.

Father Hardy: Ahh, Patrick! How are ya?
Patrick: Father, you’ll be happy ta know I took your advice and spent me money wisely.
Father Hardy: Great! Did you feed the hungry?
Patrick: No, Father.
Father Hardy: Did you clothe the poor?
Patrick: No, Father. I don’t remember you sayin those tings.
Father Hardy: Why, Patrick, I say those things every Sunday in my sermon!
Patrick: Beggin yer pardon, Father, but I’m usually asleep then.
Father Hardy: Allright then, here’s a refresher: Patrick, if you do those things, you’ll secure yourself a place in heaven!
Patrick: But that’s why I
give money to you, Father.
Father Hardy: Oh, well, we wouldn’t want to see that stop, now would we?
Patrick: No, Father. I’m talkin about what you said at the mixer last week, when we were standin’ next to the punch bowl. Did you know there was whiskey in that punch?
Father Hardy: Really? By the way, me sayin’ that Clancy and Shamus were gay, that was all just good fun.
Patrick: Of course! Still, it’s probably true. Anyways, I was talkin about when you said that a hooker is a woman you pay 400 dollars to so’s she’ll do something for ya that no other woman will do.
Father Hardy: Well, Patrick, I’d have to say that was the whiskey talkin’.
Patrick: But Father, I took your advice! I paid a hooker 400 dollars to come to my house last Tuesday.
Father Hardy: Really, Patrick, I don’t want to hear this outside confession.
Patrick: She sat next to me on the couch whilst I was watching football, and she truly did something no other woman has ever done for me whilst I
was watching football!
Father Hardy: And what was that, Patrick?
Patrick: She kept her mouth shut!

Be with us next time when Father Hardy texts a picture from the parish cookout.
(click)
Father Hardy: Now there’s a picture of a fine weiner!



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