Martha Stewart's Easter

HI, I’M MARTHA STEWART, WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY EASTER.

NO EASTER TABLE WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT A BASKET OF BEAUTIFUL BRIGHTLY COLORED EGGS.

I GET THESE VIBRANT COLORS ON MY EGGS BY FEEDING ALL-NATURAL DYES DIRECTLY TO MY BUNNIES BEFORE THEY LAY THEIR EGGS SO THE COLORS BECOME PART OF THE SHELL ITSELF.

WHAT’S THAT YOU SAY? BUNNIES DON’T LAY EGGS? MINE DO.

THESE SPECIAL EASTER BUNNIES ARE A PRODUCT OF MY MARTHA STEWART LABS.

(DOOR OPENS TO BUBBLING SOUNDS)

HERE AT MARTHA STEWART LABS, WE’RE ALWAYS COMING UP WITH NEW IDEAS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER. OVER HERE, WE’VE DEVELOPED A NEW STRAIN OF MARTHA STEWART EXTREME VEGGIES.
(Screams)
NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS TAME THEM.

(Grinding)
THIS IS THE MARTHA STEWART ALL-IN-ONE CLOTHING MACHINE THAT GROWS THE COTTON, HARVESTS IT, WEAVES IT, AND SEWS IT DIRECTLY ON YOUR BODY USING ANY OF SEVENTY DELIGHTFUL PATTERNS.

MARTHA STEWART LABS IS ALWAYS DEVELOPING NEW PRODUCTS TO HELP OUT AROUND THE HOME.

HERE WE HAVE MARTHA STEWART RUBBER BANDS,
MARTHA STEWART BARBECUE TONGS,
MARTHA STEWART VINYL SIDING,
MARTHA STEWART RADIAL TIRES,
AND OUR LINE OF RESIDENTAIL ELECTRICAL SUPPLIES, INCLUDING FLANGED INLETS AND OUTLETS, FLOURESCENT STARTERS AND SURGE SUPPRESSION UNITS.

ALL OF THESE FINE PRODUCTS ARE AVAILABLE AT MACYS,
K-MART, WAL-MART, 7-11, DOLLAR GENERAL AND THAT GUY WHO HAS THE CARD TABLE DOWN ON 77TH STREET.

THE MARTHA STEWART LABS. HELPING YOU AT EASTER AND THROUGHOUT THE YEAR.
IT’S A GOOD THING!

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The Tell-Tale Heart!

ANNOUNCER: TIME AGAIN FOR MYSTERY HORROR SCIENCE FICTION COMEDY THEATRE!

TONIGHT’S PRODUCTION: THE TELL-TALE HEART! STARRING FORMER VICE-PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY AS THE TRANSPLANT VICTIM! LYNN CHENEY AS THE WIFE! AND A SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER AS THE HEART!

OUR STORY BEGINS IN DICK CHENEY’S HOSPITAL ROOM FOLLOWING HIS HEART TRANSPLANT SURGERY. HIS WIFE SPEAKS:

LYNN: HOW DO YOU FEEL, DICK?
DICK: DIFFERENT….STRANGELY…SERENE…LIKE MY NEW HEART IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING…
JIMMY CARTER HEART: DICK! THIS IS YOUR NEW HEART! LET ME GUIDE YOU!
DICK: LYNN, PLEASE BE A DEAR AND HAND ME MY CHECKBOOK.
LYNN: YOUR….CHECKBOOK? WHY?
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: LATER, AT THE HOME OF A PROMINENT TEXAN
TEXAN: WHAT’S THAT, HON?
TEXAN WIFE: IT’S A LETTER FROM THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WHO SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, HON.
TEXAN: CHENEY? WHAT’S THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WANT?
TEXAN WIFE: (RIPS OPEN LETTER) I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! IT’S A HALLMARK CARD THAT SAYS “I’M SORRY” AND A CHECK TO PAY FOR A FACE TRANSPLANT!
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: STILL LATER, AT THE HOME OF IRAQ’S AMBASSADOR TO THE U.S.
MINION: A LETTER FROM DICK CHENEY, SIR.
AMBASSADOR: WHAT DOES THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD WANT? (RIPS OPEN LETTER) LOOK! IT’S A IT’S A HALLMARK CARD THAT SAYS “I’M SORRY” AND A CHECK FOR A TRILLION DOLLARS TO HELP REBUILD OUR COUNTRY!
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: AND STILL LATER, AT HALLIBURTON HEADQUARTERS
HALLIBURTON BIG-WIG: (RIPS OPEN LETTER) WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? “I WANT ALL OUR EMPLOYEES TO HAVE FREE HEALTH CARE AND GENEROUS PENSIONS?” WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT HEARTLESS BASTARD?
===================================================
ANNOUNCER: BACK AT THE HOSPITAL --
LYNN: DICK! YOU’VE GIVEN AWAY ALL OUR CASH?
JIMMY CARTER HEART: GOOD BOY, DICK! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU…WELL, AT LEAST YOU DO NOW.
DICK: I’M FEELING THINGS I’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE. YOU KNOW, LIKE --- FEELINGS!
LYNN: I’M SORRY, DICK, BUT I HAVE TO DO THIS…
JIMMY CARTER HEART: NOOOOOOOO!
(BEEPING, THEN FLATLINE)
DICK: WHERE THE HELL IS MY SHOTGUN?
LYNN: WELCOME BACK, DICK!
ANNOUNCER: BE HERE NEXT TIME, WHEN WE TELL THE AMAZING STORY OF HOW DICK CHENEY SWAPPED HIS BRAINS FOR SOME COURAGE!

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