ZAPPA AUTO PARTS

HI, I’M THE LATE FRANK ZAPPA. AWHILE BACK MY BUSINESS MANAGER TOLD ME THAT SALES OF MY ALBUMS AND CONCERT TICKETS HAD “PLATEAU-ED” AND I NEEDED TO DIVERSIFY MY PORTFOLIO. SO I BOUGHT A CHAIN OF AUTO PARTS STORES.

NOW, IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT WHAT MAKES YOUR CAR RUN OR HOW TO INSTALL ANY OF ITS MOVING PARTS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, EXCEPT FOR COUNTRY MUSIC STARS AND NEIL YOUNG, MOST MUSICIANS ARE CLUELESS ABOUT CARS. BUT THEY STILL NEED THE WORK, WHICH IS WHY I HIRED A BUNCH OF THEM TO SIT BEHIND THE COUNTERS OF MY AUTO PARTS STORES. AS A BONUS, THEY PROVIDE REAL LIVE MUSAK WHILE YOU SHOP FOR YOUR FRAMMAZATS AND DOOHICKEYS AND WHATZITS AND THINGEYS AND OTHER IMPORTANT CAR PARTS.

SO COME ON DOWN TO ZAPPA AUTO PARTS, WHERE THE PRICES ARE CHEAP AND THE EXPERTISE IS NON-EXISTANT. THANK YOU.

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THE RULES OF BROADCASTING

1) THINGS YOU CANNOT SAY ON THE AIR

IF YOU’D LIKE TO COMPLEMENT A WOMAN’S BREASTS, YOU CANNOT SAY “NICE TITS!”

HERE ARE WORDS YOU CAN USE:

• GAZONGAS
• HOOTERS
• TA-TAS
• BOOBS AND/OR BOOBIES
• MELONS AND/OR CASABAS
• FLESH BALLOONS
• HEADLIGHTS
• BAZOOMS
• HONKERS
• CHEST TWINS
• RACK
• AAOOGAHS
• MERRY MOUNDS

2) THE CENSOR

THE CENSOR IS YOUR FRIEND. TO PROTECT YOU, THE CENSOR HAS CLEANED UP ALL THE OFFENSIVE WORDS IN THE SONG “YOU DON’T #%&*+@ AROUND WITH JIM."

3) OFFENSIVE NOISES

FARTS ARE NOT FUNNY. THE SOUND OF FARTING SHOULD NEVER BE USED ON THE AIR. THE FARTING SOUND IS OFFENSIVE AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. DO NOT FART ON THE AIR. FARTING IS NOT FUNNY.

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Johnny Rasty

(KNOCKING)

JOHNNY: OH, HELLO, OFFICER. ANYTHING WRONG?

COP: ARE YOU JOHNNY RASTY?

JOHNNY: WHY, YES, YES I AM!

COP: ARE YOU MARRIED?

JOHNNY: YES. MY WIFE’S NAME IS SHEILA. SHE’S OUT SHOPPING RIGHT NOW.

COP: WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE HAVE A PICTURE OF HER?

JOHNNY: WHY, YES, RIGHT HERE.

COP: I’M SORRY, MR. RASTY, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR WIFE WAS RUN OVER BY A TRUCK.

JOHNNY: YES, I KNOW. BUT SHE’S A GREAT COOK.



COP: DOES SHE HAVE A GOOD PERSONALITY?

JOHNNY: WHY, YES.

COP: NOT ANY MORE.



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Michele Bachmann Campaign Tweets

HI I'M MICHELE BACHMANN AND I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THESE WONDERFUL UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. IF YOU HONOR ME BY ELECTING ME TO OFFICE I PROMISE THAT I WILL PUT AN END TO MARRIAGE

SORRY, RAN OUT OF LETTERS…AS I WAS TWEETING, I WILL PUT AN END TO MARRIAGE BETWEEN PEOPLE OF THE SAME SEX. ALSO, AS YOUR PRESIDENT, IF YOU ELECT ME I PROMISE THAT I WILL ENCOURAGE PORNOGRAPHY

SORRY, RAN OUT OF LETTERS AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, I WILL ENCOURAGE PORNOGRAPHY-BUSTING AGENCIES TO PUT THOSE SLIMY GOOD-FOR-NOTHINGS OUT OF BUSINESS. SO PLEASE VOTE FOR ME MICHELE BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT. I PROMISE I WILL DO NOTHING

SORRY AGAIN…I PROMISE I WILL DO NOTHING BUT GOOD FOR OUR COUNTRY. THANK YOU. PLEASE VOTE FOR ME FOR PRESIDENT. OH, I HAVE SOME LETTERS LEFT. MAYBE I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT MY PLAN TO KILL DEMOCRATS'

CHANCES IN THE 2012 ELECTIONS.

Rupert Murdock Taps The Phones

(Phone dials, rings)

Official: Mr. President, we may have to attack the compound.
President: But that might cause an international incident. I’ll have to look at all the alternatives.
Rupert: Alternatives, schmalternatives!

Rupert Murdoch, tapping into phones to solve the world’s problems!

Rupert: Bomb the ‘ell out of ‘em, I say!

No problem is too small for the Murdoch touch!

Son: Daddy, I got a B plus on my test!
Dad: That’s great, Bobby!
Rupert: Shoulda been an A!

Woman: I don’t know whether to go with the red dress or the yellow dress.
Rupert: Get the red! Yellow makes ya look fat!

Rupert Murdoch cuts through the crap to give you the answers you need!

Man: Doctor, I’m feeling nauseous and my eyes have turned yellow.
Doctor: Nothing to worry about, Mr. Plimpton. Come in to the office tomorrow and we’ll have a look.
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re dyin’ mate!
Man: Doctor! Am I dying??
Doctor: Of course you aren’t, Mr. Plimpton! Who is this?
Rupert: Sounds to me like you’re a quack! Bad doctor alert! Quack! Quack!

Rupert Murdock – solving problems on a phone near you – whether you like it or not!

Man: Yeah, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza.
Rupert: No, you want sausage.


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Father Hardy and the Hooker

Time once more to visit with the blessedly-religious Father Hardy as he talks with parishoners after mass.

Father Hardy: Ahh, Patrick! How are ya?
Patrick: Father, you’ll be happy ta know I took your advice and spent me money wisely.
Father Hardy: Great! Did you feed the hungry?
Patrick: No, Father.
Father Hardy: Did you clothe the poor?
Patrick: No, Father. I don’t remember you sayin those tings.
Father Hardy: Why, Patrick, I say those things every Sunday in my sermon!
Patrick: Beggin yer pardon, Father, but I’m usually asleep then.
Father Hardy: Allright then, here’s a refresher: Patrick, if you do those things, you’ll secure yourself a place in heaven!
Patrick: But that’s why I give money to you, Father.
Father Hardy: Oh, well, we wouldn’t want to see that stop, now would we?
Patrick: No, Father. I’m talkin about what you said at the mixer last week, when we were standin’ next to the punch bowl. Did you know there was whiskey in that punch?
Father Hardy: Really? By the way, me sayin’ that Clancy and Shamus were gay, that was all just good fun.
Patrick: Of course! Still, it’s probably true. Anyways, I was talkin about when you said that a hooker is a woman you pay 400 dollars to so’s she’ll do something for ya that no other woman will do.
Father Hardy: Well, Patrick, I’d have to say that was the whiskey talkin’.
Patrick: But Father, I took your advice! I paid a hooker 400 dollars to come to my house last Tuesday.
Father Hardy: Really, Patrick, I don’t want to hear this outside confession.
Patrick: She sat next to me on the couch whilst I was watching football, and she truly did something no other woman has ever done for me whilst I was watching football!
Father Hardy: And what was that, Patrick?
Patrick: She kept her mouth shut!

Be with us next time when Father Hardy texts a picture from the parish cookout.
(click)
Father Hardy: Now there’s a picture of a fine weiner!


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Father Hardy and the Last Deal

And now it’s time to check in on the ever-faithful Father Hardy. Today, Father Hardy is playing a friendly game of poker with some of his parishioners. Paddy Murphy has just dropped dead. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Michael: Oh dear, Paddy lost 500 dollars on that last hand. D’ya think it coulda caused him to drop dead?
Fr. Hardy: God works in mysterious ways, Michael.
Michael: I feel sorry for ya, Fatha.
Fr. Hardy: Thank ya, Michael. But I think we’ll all get our money back ‘cause Paddy died, so I won’t be losin’ that 300 dollars after all.
Michael: No, I mean you’ll have to be tellin’ Paddy’s wife about him dyin’ and all.
Fr. Hardy: Oh, right right right. I’ll be headin’ off just as soon as I get me 300 dollars back.

Three hours later

Mrs. Murphy: Why, Father Hardy, it’s good ta see ya.
Fr. Hardy: Not really, Margaret. Your husband just lost 500 dollars in a poker game.
Mrs. Murphy: Why that – beggin’ yer pardon, Fatha, but you can tell him to drop dead!
Fr. Hardy: That I will, Margaret. I'll go tell him now.

Be with us next time as Father Hardy learns American history from Sarah Palin

Fr. Hardy: So George Washington threw a silver dollar across the river so the taxman wouldn’t get it?
Sarah: You betcha!

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Father Hardy and the Widow

Time once more for another one of Father Hardy’s heavenly adventures. Today we find Father Hardy once again greeting parishioners after Mass. Mary Clancy is crying.

Father Hardy: Why, Mary Clancy, why are you crying?
Mary: Oh, Father, I've got terrible news! Me husband passed away last night!
Father Hardy: Oh, Mary, that is terrible news. I should have been there to deliver the Last Rites. Why didn’t you call me?
Mary: I did call ya, Father. But ya mumbled somethin’ about a full house and hung up. I figured you were entertainin’ guests.
Father Hardy: Oh, yes, ‘tis true, I did have people over. And just so’s you know, it wasn’t very entertainin’. They walked off with 500 dollars from the collection pla – that is, I mean, 500 holy cards from the vestibule. Anyways, I’d like to make it up to ya. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?
Mary: That he did, Father.
Father Hardy: Maybe I can make things right for ya. What did he ask, Mary?
Mary: Well, Father, he said, “Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...”

Be with us next time when Father Hardy attempts to barbecue over a burning bush.



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Father Hardy And The Brothel

We join parishioners Shamus and Clancy as they sit in a pub on the village square:

Clancy: Shamus! Y’see that house across the way?
Shamus: What, that old ramshackle place?
Clancy: No, no ‘tis a fine cottage!
Shamus: Wait, let me put me beer glasses on….ah yes, I see it now. Beautiful, it is!
Clancy: It’s a brothel!
Shamus: A what?
Clancy: A cathouse!
Shamus: But I don’t see any –
Clancy: Yes, I know, y’don’t see any cats! It’s a house of ill repute, then.
Shamus: Ohhh…how terrible!
Clancy: They say it’s frequented by men of the cloth. Like, see there, just now, who’s goin’ in!
Shamus: Why, it’s the Reverend McClatchy!
Clancy: See, I told you those Methodists are hypocrites!
Shamus: Right you are, as always, my friend!
Clancy: And look who’s there now!
Shamus: Oh dear, it’s the rabbi!
Clancy: God’s chosen people, indeed!
Shamus: Indeed, indeed! Why, would you look at that!
Clancy: What?
Shamus: Goin in t’the reputedly ill house…
Clancy: That’s house of ill –
Shamus: It’s Father Hardy!
Clancy: Oh, now, this is terrible!
Shamus: Terrible, indeed!
Clancy: I’m so sorry.
Shamus: As we all should be.
Clancy: It’s obvious that one of those poor girls has died.
Shamus: Obliviously.

Join us next time as Father Hardy attempts to explain Charlie Sheen.

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Father Hardy And The Missing Hat

We join Father Hardy at the end of Mass, as he talks with of his parishioners:

Father Hardy: Murphy! I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. I haven’t seen you here in years! What made you come?
Murphy: I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat. I really, really love that hat.
Father Hardy: I’ve seen you with that hat. Stylish. Gives a whole new meaning to “porkpie.”
Murphy: Now, I know that Shamus McCarthy has a hat just like mine, and I know he comes to church every Sunday. So, I had the idea that I was going to leave after Communion and steal McCarthy's hat.
Father Hardy: Murphy, that’s terrible! Who would come to church to steal something?
Murphy: I would, Father.
Father Hardy: Oh, yes, I guess you just said you would.
Murphy: That I did, Father.
Father Hardy: But I notice that you didn't steal McCarthy's hat. What changed your mind?
Murphy: Well, Father, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McCarthy's hat after all.
Father Hardy: So, after I talked about “thou shalt not steal” you decided you would not steal McCarthy’s hat and do without a stylish hat rather than burn in hell?
Murphy: No, Father. After ya talked about “thou shalt not commit adultery” I remembered where I left me hat.

Join us next time as Father Hardy tries to explain Lady Gaga to the Ladies’ Auxiliary.

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THE HAIRCUTTER’S GIFT

Hello, boys and girls, it’s your old pal, the Old Storyteller, just out of stir and ready with another fable for all my little pals! This one is called “The Haircutter’s Gift.”

One day a florist went to the barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, but the barber – who spent time in the same big house as the Old Storyteller -- replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a baker came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week." The baker was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day a congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

The moral of the story is: "It takes a congressman to run a clip joint!"

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Very Great Wonders!

(with thanks to Johnny W. Timpane, Esk.)

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week on 63 Minutes when a group of scholars gather to discuss that burning issue, THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION IN MEDIEVAL FRANCE. But right now, it’s time for “Psychic Phenomena Today!” Our guest is Mrs. Panchita Prempfplooder, who says she has seen great wonders!
P: Very great wonders.
A: And what kind of wonders have you seen, Peepee?
PP: Great ones. Really big.
A: Like what?
PP: I have seen a very small canary . . .
A: Uh-huh . . .
PP: Turned into . . .
A: [Excited now] Yes” Yes?
PP: . . . a medium-size one.
A: Truly amazing! What size was this canary again?
PP: Little.
A: Small?
PP: Nonbig.
A: Undersize?
PP: Runty.
A: And what size did this pygmy canary finally attain?
PP: Oh, size 4 and three-quarters, almost five. Men’s smallish, or Portly Lady’s. Just right for summer wear, or just strolling on the beach.
A: And this miraculous transformation was instantaneous?
PP: No no no! That’s what was so amazing about it. This occurred over a period of years!
A: How many years?
PP: About ten.
A: Hmmm. So a small canary became a little bit bigger over a period of ten years.
PP: Can you believe it?
A: Yes.
PP: Killjoy.
A: Shut up.
PP: You shut up.
A: We can have you killed.
PP: OK, I’ll shut up.


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STUFF YOU DON’T HEAR MUCH ANY MORE

And now, as a public service: Stuff You Don’t Hear People Say Much Any More…

• I bid one thousand dollars on that crayon drawing of Indianapolis!


• Those dancers are craptastic!


• Yes, I’ll have a second helping of the sea anemone!


• That swimsuit model just pooped in her pants!


• I’ve finished sandpapering the driveway!


• Charlie Sheen! What a talent!

And finally…

• Of course I’ll pay extra for the undercoating! Thanks for suggesting it!

Spring has Sprung, Flowers (and guys) are Up!

(Noted expert Professor Info VonPoop has been looking into the connection between the arrival of spring and the turning of young men's fancies. Here are the results of that study.)

***********************
It’s spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to – NASCAR. Or, if you’re slightly older, baseball. But no matter what time of year it is, guys still want to get laid. In doing research on the topic of love, I turned to the place where many of my philosophical questions are answered – the many channels of Sirius-XM Satellite Radio.

• Over on the 60s Channel, John Lennon told me all I need is love.
• On the 70s Channel, Gary Wright told me his love is alive!
• On the 80s Channel, Pat Benetar told me that love is a battlefield. Then Alan Hunter told me love is an MTV royalty check. Then Nina Blackwood said something I couldn’t understand.
• On Classic Vinyl, Mick Jagger told me love is a bitch.
• Howard Stern said love had something to do with breasts and penises, both large.
• Martha Stewart says love, quiche and potting sheds are all good things.
• I don’t know what Oprah says about love, ‘cause i didn’t pay extra to get “The Best Of XM” channel.

I hope this helps.

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RECENTLY RECEIVED E-MAIL:

From: Nigeria
To: you
Re: opportunity

Hello, my name is Scott Bowman, and I’m a Nigerian Prince. You may be wondering why me, a Nigerian Prince, is sending this e-mail to you, a lowly worm. I have one simple request: please get me the hell out of Nigeria. It’s really terrible here. I’m living in a shack with no running water and a wife who nags me 24/7. And there are a lot of bugs and sand and jungles and stuff. My dad, the king, won’t help me. He says I need to take responsibility for my life, like that will ever happen. So please send me money so I can get the hell out of here right away. Or send a plane ticket, preferably on Southwest because they don’t charge for bags. I have set up an address in your United State of New Jersey so you don’t have to spend extra to send me the money or plane ticket. Send it to:
Scott Bowman
144 Ridge Road
Bayonne, New Jersey 07002.
Thanks. By the way, did I mention I’m a Nigerian Prince? Maybe I’ll give you some jewels or something cool for helping me out. Thank you.

GREAT INVENTORS OF HISTORY!

Time once more for another installment in our continuing series:

GREAT INVENTORS OF HISTORY!

Today: Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell…

Thomas Edison was perhaps the greatest inventor America ever produced. He invented the light bulb, the phonograph and the motion picture camera, and held almost 11 hundred patents for his inventions.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone -- and his company, Bell Labs, came up with the transistor, the laser and the cellphone.Not content with those innovations, Bell Labs eventually expanded their corporate reach:

• To transportation with Bell Helicopters…
• To food with Taco Bell…
• And to music, with this 1968 hit by “house band” Archie Bell and the Drells:

archie bell

Not to be outdone, Edison and his group Edison Lighthouse came out with this number one hit from 1970:

edison lighthouse

Not to be out- outdone, Bell Labs came up with this smash for Anita Ward in 1979:

anita ward

Join us again for another installment of:

GREAT INVENTORS OF HISTORY!

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The Musical Innertube

Over at

http://musicalinnertube.blogspot.com/

I have a podcast called, suprisingly enough, The Musical Innertube. When I was a radio disc jockey in the 70s and 80s, it was an honest-to-God "entertainment" job. You were expected to be an entertainer between records. Jokes, trivia, contests and banter with phone callers were part of the show. Some DJs subscribed to joke services, weekly one-page sheets of quips and one-liners snail-mailed by entreprenuerial jocks who re-packaged their punch lines for profit. Others, like me, produced pre-recorded sketches using voices and sound effects. The Musical Innertube is, then, one of my old radio shows with all the skits and none of the music (because the rights would cost too much).

Why "Musical Innertube"? One day, early on, I opened the microphone and TRIED to say, "And now, a musical interlude." Guess what came out? The name stuck.

By the way, just so we're clear: The Musical Innertube is not intended to replace fast-acting inhalers for sudden symptoms. The Musical Innertube may increase your risk of osteoporosis and some eye problems such as cataracts or glaucoma. You should have regular eye exams. Thrush in the mouth and throat may occur. Tell your doctor if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure before listening. Do not listen to the Musical Innertube while using long-acting beta2-agonists for any reason.

(Subscribe to the Musical Innertube at: www.musicaalinnertube.libsyn.com/rss)