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Monday, March 5, 2012

The Romneys Make Their Case

Mitt Romney

Hi , everyone! I’m Mitt Romney and I’m running to be the Republican candidate for president.
Look, let’s be honest about this: you don’t like me and I don’t like you. But we can make this work, okay? For example, I don’t like poor people, but I promise that if I’m elected president, I’ll make sure there are no holes in their safety net, since they won’t be able to get good jobs and make something of themselves like I have.
But you have to cut me a break as well – you may not like rich people, but isn’t it important to have a darned good-looking guy like me representing the United States, instead of that big-eared guy we’ve got now? You sure don’t want that Pillsbury-dough-boy Newt, or that scarecrow Ron Paul, do you? And, okay, Santorum is kinda handsome – but he’s really creepy. You’re not up for a creepy guy in a sweater vest, are you, America?
Of course not. Oh, and did I mention I’m a billionaire and
I don’t have a job! America loves a winner, right Eli Manning?
So if you’ll promise to overlook the fact that you don’t like me and give me your vote, I promise to ignore the fact that you’re all overweight, jobless whiners looking for a handout and serve you as the Republican nominee – and eventual winner – of this year’s presidential election. Thank you.

click here to listen to Mitt

Mrs. Romney

Hi, I’m Mitt Romney’s wife, Mrs. Romney. Please vote for my husband and make him the Republican nominee for president. He really is a good man with many fine qualities, including wavy hair – it’s his original color! – a nice smile, and terrific posture.
Oh, and here’s another thing: he’s a billionaire and he doesn’t have a job! Which is great, because he’ll be able to concentrate on being president full-time, with no distractions!
Now, I know you’ve heard some terrible things about my husband, mostly from that big wad of flesh Newt Gingrich. (And may I add that my husband is married to me, and only me, even though he’s a Mormon and can have as many wives as he wants!) For example, that business about tying our dog to the top of the car during a family vacation. Let me assure you, nothing could be farther from the truth! We tied our dog’s carrier to the top of the car, and the dog was in the carrier the whole time, so he was never in any danger. Besides, when we do allow the dog to ride in the car, he sticks his head out the window anyway – so we were doing him a favor, actually.
So, please, when you vote this year, don’t think of the dog – think of the smile and that wavy hair, and vote for my husband, Mitt. Thank you!

click here to listen to Mrs. Romney

Super Pac Supporter

Hi there! My name is William Margate, Junior, and I’m the owner and operator of the “America Needs a Rich Guy at the Top” Super Pac….not affiliated in any way with Mitt Romney’s campaign.
There seems to be a perception out there that my brother-in-law, Mr. Romney, whom we support but do not co-ordinate with, is not getting votes because people don’t really like him all that much.
To that I say --- come on! Since when is “likability” a factor in voting for president? Nobody really liked either Bush or Cheney, but they got elected twice!
In my experience, what wins elections is – money. Good old American capitalism. You know, the golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules. So here’s what I’m willing to do to give Mitt Romney, whom we support but do not co-ordinate with, a fighting chance at the polls. Every one of you Republicans out there who votes for Mitt in upcoming primaries will get one of these crisp new 20 dollar bills! Republicans and money! They just go together! It’s just our way of saying thanks for voting for Mitt Romney, whom we support but do not co-ordinate with.
So what do you say? We’ll all vote for a wonderful candidate, a terrific brother-in-law, and I’ll make it worth your while! It’s a win-win for all of us!
(The preceding message was paid for by America Needs a Rich Guy at the Top, which supports but in no way co-ordinates with the campaign of Mitt Romney.)

click here to listen to a supporter not affiliated in any way with the Romney campaign

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